I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night
by hola-mishamigos
Summary: Castiel visited Dean in his dreams every night. Dean would never admit it, but it was the only thing that kept him going and the only reason he got out of bed in the morning with something to look forward to.
1. Chapter 1: Poker Faces & Angry Mooses

**Title:** I Had Too Much to Dream Last Night  
**Author:** hola-mishamigos  
**Rating:** NC-17 / M _(for later chapters)_  
**Warnings:** M/M, sex, language, mentions of hell/torture  
**Pairings:** Dean/Castiel, mentions of Sam/Ruby 2.0  
**Timeframe: **seasons 4 - 5

multi-chaptered fic.  
work-in-progress.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or its characters. copyright of CW & Kripke and all other rightful owners.

**Summary**: Castiel visited Dean in his dreams every night. Dean would never admit it, but it was the only thing that kept him going and the only reason he got out of bed in the morning with something to look forward to.

**a/n: **This is a re-written version of the original chapter I posted when I first began this story. There are minor changes but they don't affect the overall plot of the story.

**~d~** signifies that the beginning of a scene set in a dream (aka, set in Dean's subconscious) **~r~** signifies the end of dream and return to 'reality'. 

_Chapter 1 – Poker faces and an angry moose_

Castiel visited him in his dreams.

Sometimes he was right there, leaning against the hood of the impala with two beers in his hand. The first few dreams he looked awkward, out of place. But after the 5th or 6th time, Cas leaning on the hood of the impala was as normal as Sam or Bobby doing it.

Other times, it wasn't a physical presence. He'd dream of dad or childhood memories with Sammy – Castiel wasn't there _physically_ but Dean knew, when he woke up, that the angel had influenced his dream; a soothing and calming presence in the background.

They didn't talk about it, _ever_, and Sam didn't know… no one knew, expect him and Cas.

On the dreams when the angel was there physically, they'd share beer after beer (well, Dean was the one doing most of the drinking) and they'd talk – but never about Lilith or the apocalypse. Cars, music, sports, human life… basically things Castiel knew little about and Dean would teach him. Sometimes they didn't talk, just sat in companionable silence admiring whatever scenery Cas had created for that particular dream.

The truth is that it was peaceful, it was _good_. Dean needed this but he would never admit it. This was the remedy for the nightmares he had before the angel started intervening… it was like glue for his broken soul.

Before, Dean couldn't sleep properly - or at all really. He'd walk around tired, unfocused, making sloppy mistakes. There were dark circles under his eyes and he was losing his appetite. Sam was too caught up in whatever toxic thing he had going on with Ruby to pay proper attention.

Dean had told his brother he didn't remember Hell, but that was a big load of crap and every night_, every single night_, it would haunt him. Sometimes he'd cry when he woke up - _but no one would ever know about that_ - most times though, he'd run into the toilet throwing up whatever cheap fast-food was left in his stomach from the previous night. He'd spend nights hugging the toilet instead of his pillow.

That's how Castiel found him one night, about a month after his 'resurrection'. Dean was kneeling over the toilet in the _crappy _bathroom, in the _crappy _room, from the _crappy_ motel, in that _crappy_ town he couldn't even remember the name of.

That time he'd forgotten to grab his necklace before emptying his stomach, meaning it was covered in vomit and, as a direct consequence, so was his t-shirt. But he was too physically and emotionally exhausted to care at that moment, so he stayed kneeling, after flushing the toilet, clutching his sweaty forehead in his hands.

You can imagine his surprise when, out of nowhere, there was an angel standing right besides the toilet, _trench coat and all _- the fluttering of wings barely enough warning for the angel's sudden appearance.

"Jesus Cas! Don't jump up on me like that, dude! A little warning next time!"  
The hunter walked around Cas and over to the sink, splashing water on his face and rinsing his mouth.

"Dean."  
His name was all he got in return, along with a short nod, before the angel came up behind him and reached around to turn off the tap. Dean was momentarily too confused, and quite frankly _too tired_, to realize what was happening until it was too late. Cas did his little 'two finger sleep mojo' before he had time to protest and the last thing he remembers is collapsing into the angel's arms before slipping into unconsciousness.

The next morning he woke up shirtless in his bed, Sam sitting in the small dining table typing away on his computer. Dean looked around, disoriented at first, and found his t-shirt folded neatly on the bedside table with the necklace placed on top – the t-shirt cleaned and smelling like generic fabric softener.

That was the first time the angel interfered with his sleeping and from that night onwards Cas would be there to give him a new dream every time his own dreams turned sour. Dean never woke up in the middle of the night again and he was back to his A-Game… all thanks to Castiel and his 'divine intervention'.

More often than not, Cas would just give him a good memory or some miscellaneous peaceful event to dream of. It was only when his nightmares turned particularly violent, or had the potential of waking him up for the night, that the angel would come to him personally - giving him his baby to sit on, a beer to drink, a fantastic scenery to look at and someone to talk to if he wanted… which he did, on most occasions, because Castiel was entertaining as fuck when he was confused _and that happened a lot when they talked._

**~d~**  
_"But why would you continue to play if you know that, most likely, you don't possess the better selection of cards?"  
"…it's bluffing Cas! You want the other people to _think_ that you have the best cards so that _they_ fold!"_

"_But why do you insist on calling it 'football' if you use your upper limbs to perform in 97% of the game?"  
"I'm not su-"  
"And why do you call it a 'ball' when, technically, it is not actually spherical but rather oval in shape?"_

"_But I fail to see the problem in driving a 'Toyota' automobile. Is it not a reliable car?"  
"That's really not the point Cas… it's like… 5 out of 6 of their cars are ugly, dude."  
"I don't…understand. Why is the physical appearance of an automobile of such importance? Shouldn't safety be the main concern? Humans are notorious for having automobile accide-"  
"First of all - stop saying 'automobile', dude. It's a freaking 'CAR'. Second – this isn't even worth talking about if you don't think that…if you don't… _APPRECIATE_ the 'physical appearance' of cars, Cas. That's like saying you don't appreciate the physical appearance of women…"  
"But… I'm not sure what your meaning is, Dean…"  
_**~r~**

It suffices to say that the angel had a lot to learn.

Weeks went by before Sam started noticing that something was different. To his credit, Dean and Cas really _never_ spoke about it – not even IN the dreams. They just went about their conversation as if it was some heavenly perfect reality…. and not actually the fact that Castiel was fighting to keep Dean's soul, and sanity, intact.

Eventually, though, the cat had to get out of the proverbial bag.

Which brings us to when Dean was just taking a nap one day, and Cas 'showed up' in his_ already_ violent nightmare – just before the Alastair in his twisted dream handed him a serrated knife with a knowing smirk playing on his lips.

**~d~**  
Everything blurred and morphed around him until Hell was gone and he was sitting on the hood of the impala, as per usual, overlooking what could only be the Grand Canyon. Castiel, of course, stood by his side.

It took a few minutes for Dean to catch his breath and slow his heartbeat down enough to notice that Cas was standing stiffly, looking rather uncomfortable… plus, there were no beers; this time the angel had 'business' to discuss.  
_Dean might, just might, have been a little disappointed._

"You should really speak to your brother, Dean. We know what he's doing with the demon you call 'Ruby' and we don't like it. Sam has had many 'second chances' in the past, it needs to stop." Castiel finally said.

Dean snorted, because really, _what else could he do_?

"Well you can tell _'we'_ that I've tried… don't you think I've tried to talk to him, Castiel?"  
Both men, _technically the freaking _angel _and the man_, sighed in frustration.

There was no way to have a humorous and 'light' conversation about his little brother doing 'the dance with no pants' with a demon – not to mention him ALSO (well, _especially_) going all 'Edward Cullen' on her and _sucking blood_.

_Gross, man. Just gross. _

Eventually, Dean spoke again.  
"Well, not to sound like a douche bag but perhaps a little 'angelic advice _and/or _divine intervention' is what he needs… MaybeYOU should speak to him. Sammy was always the one who believed in angels and God. I never did until…well, until _you showed up_." He said, gesturing towards Cas, arms waving around as if to imitate an aura surrounding the angel.

Meanwhile Castiel was looking at Dean with his head inclined in that trademark way that made the hunter feel as if Cas thought he was some rare, fascinating endangered species – when in fact, the angel was the fascinating and rare one among the two.

It made the hairs in the back of Dean's neck stand up… but in a _good_ way. _Something he would never tell a living a soul. _

"Perhaps you're right," the angel finally said. "…Dean… what is a 'douche bag'? I've heard the term before but the meaning is still unclear."

Dean chuckled, he couldn't help it.

"Just…it's an insult kinda like… 'dick'. I suppose that's an easy, simple way to put it… Anyway, where are you right now? I mean… in reality?"

"It doesn't matter…" Cas answered as he began walking away. "I'll be in your motel room shortly after you wake up."

**~r~**  
And _just like that_ he was awake, lying in the hard sofa that smelt like old people and tobacco.

He must have looked startled when he woke up because he could hear Sam chuckling from his spot on what the motel saw fit to call a 'dinning table' -_when it actually looked like it might have once been part of a bathroom or kitchen counter…ick. _

"And he's back, ladies and gentleman!" Sam said, while he lowered the screen of his laptop. "Listen I'm gonna take a shower, you okay?"

His brother only managed to untangle his freakishly long legs from underneath the table_/counter_ before Dean jumped off the couch and told him to stop.  
"Oh don't, hang on! Cas should be here any mi-"

The fluttering of wings was shortly followed by Castiel standing right there, so close to Dean that their shoulders were actually touching and for a second, _a split-second_, he could have sworn he felt a wing brush his shoulder _just_ before the angel appeared.

Dean had learned to disregard anything he knew about personal space when he was around Cas – the angel really liked to stand close to him (another thing that made the hairs in the back of Dean's neck stand up… also in a _good_ way)_._ __

Castiel went on to give his 'greeting' seemingly unaware of his close proximity to Dean.  
"Sam… Dean." A short nod.

But angelic proximity aside, Dean had other things to worry about…_ because Sammy isn't dumb. Sammy went to law school. He should have been more careful._

"Wait a minute… how did you know Castiel was coming?"

Sam literally had what Dean called his _'suspicious bitch-face'_ on; looking between his brother and Cas like one of them stole his lunch money and he had to guess which.

The truth is, Dean actually had this moment of panic where he thought Castiel might just blurt everything out. It's not like they had approached the subject of whether or not they would tell Sam or Bobby. As mentioned before, they didn't approach the subject _at all_. _It was just something that happened between them, it had no label, no name. _

_One thing was certain though, he absolutely needed it and he didn't want Sam to find out. He didn't want anyone to find out. Not just yet. This was his and Cas's. He didn't want anyone to ruin this… whatever '_this'_ was. _

"I…uh… I heard the wings. Didn't you?" _  
And the Oscar for crappiest excuse goes to…_

Cas kept his face emotionless. If he had an opinion on the hunter's shitty excuse he didn't letting it show.

_Dean made a mental note to tell the angel that he had a good poker face, but then again, Castiel still didn't understand what the purpose of a poker face was so... _

"Sam I'd like to speak with you, please." Cas said, before Sam could continue to question Dean's newly found 'sixth sense' for predicting divine arrivals in motel rooms.

_Thank God for this angel (…literally). _

His brother nodded and followed Castiel out of the room, even though he never dropped his _'suspicious bitch-face'_.

Cas left without saying anything to Dean, but it was okay – he knew he would probably see the angel tonight in his dream. _Judging by that nap, his subconscious was definitely unstable and possibly violent today. _

Sam stomped back inside like an angry moose with his '_I-don't-have-words-for-my-feelings-right-now_ _bitch-face'_ on, so whatever Castiel told him must not have been pleasant. He doesn't speak to Dean for the rest of the day, burying himself in research, probably about seals… _or how to kill angels in a painful way. _

Dean was content though. His _secret_ was still a 'secret', his nightmares suffered the wrath of Castiel every night and every morning he woke up with a 'dream and good rest' high.

However, he kept expecting to wake up one morning and realize he had _too much dream_ the previous night… and that would probably happen the next morning. He had a feeling Castiel was going to '_approach the subject'_ and he was finally going to have to realize that normal people don't have angels meddling with their dreams every night – they _needed_ to talk about it.

**a/n: **I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. Feedback (whether good or bad) and suggestions (for P.O.V's, plot etc) are more than welcome. I'll do my best to answer all reviews/messages. 


	2. Chapter 2: The Shower Incident

**For warnings and other info, please check 1****st**** chapter.**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or its characters. copyright of CW & Kripke and all other rightful owners.

**a/n:** This is a re-written version of the original second chapter I posted when I first began this story. There are minor changes but they don't affect the overall plot of the story. This chapter finishes at the end of 4x07 ' It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester' – pretty much ignore the conversation Dean and Cas have in the park at the end. Thanks for reading/reviewing.

**~d~** signifies the beginning of a scene set in a dream (aka, set in Dean's subconscious) **~r~** signifies the end of dream and return to 'reality'. 

_Chapter 2 – The shower incident_

**~d~**  
He was being dragged off the rack and some person whose face he doesn't remember was replacing him – damned soul #9, 284 563.

Alastair was nudging him towards the table with all the instruments. He handed Dean an ice pick and shoved him back towards the rack. Dean looked down at the pick in his hand, already feeling sick, but when he looked up again Cas was standing in front of him.

The angel took the weapon out of his hand while the surroundings started to fade. He held Dean's hands in his and when the hunter finally looked away from Cas's eyes they were in the middle of a baseball field at night. The overhead lights were on, shining on them.

Cas dropped his hands and _what the fuck… he missed the contact, his hands feeling cold._

As per usual Castiel was standing so close that Dean could almost feel the angel's breath, but he stepped back and reached into _one_ of his coat pockets removing, much to Dean'ssurprise and excitement, a baseball. _A fucking baseball._

"I thought perhaps we could…play; if you would teach me?" The angel asked. Dean opened his mouth to speak then closed it again – he couldn't quite believe this. _Funny how his life was so messed up that the small things had so much more meaning now. _  
"I … uhmm… of course I can teach you. But… we need gloves and a bat, you know…"

Somehow, _well miraculously_, the angel produced the rest of the equipment. They played for what felt like hours, but in a dream who knows how much time had actually passed? The first time Castiel threw the ball back to him, he threw it _so hard_ it actually knocked Dean off his feet and he fell flat _on his ass_. Were it not a dream, he would probably have a huge bruise on his chest and a few broken fingers in his catching hand. As it was, it didn't even hurt. Castiel was, however, kneeling over him in seconds, a concerned look on his face.  
"Perhaps we shouldn't play…" the angel started, "I don't feel I'm adequate to play this game, Dean."

_And Dean laughed._ He laughed harder than he had in days…weeks even. _What was it about Castiel that made him laugh and have actual FUN when his life was worse than a Stephen King novel?_

They kept on playing, Castiel controlling his strength and speed. Dean discovered that no matter how hard he tried, the angel couldn't hit the ball with the bat, but he was a good pitcher, so the hunter was doing most of the batting. This was actually unbelievably unfair, because Cas would just _zap_ to the location of the ball's landing, throw it to 1st and then _zap_ to the base in time to catch the ball before Dean got there. _Stupid freaking flying angel._

It got to the 60th of 70th (he lost track) time that Dean tried to run faster than Castiel could fly (_yes, that really was as stupid of an attempt as it sounds_). He was sweaty, and quite frankly exhausted, but _dammit he was going to make to 1__st__ base at least._

He tried something new and simply touched the bat to the ball. It fell barely a metre from his feet and Castiel was actually momentarily stunned (used to Dean hitting the ball as hard as he could). Just as Dean was arriving to 1st however, thinking that he was finally going to make it, Castiel appeared right at the base…_right in front of him_. With not enough time to stop, he collided head on with Cas.

He literally rebounded off the angel and fell, _again_, on his ass. Of course Castiel just stood there, with the baseball in his hand, looking down at the hunter sprawled on the ground. _He actually had an amused look on his face_.

"I give up…it's too hot. I'm too tired. You're too good. God… I'm so sweaty. I feel exhausted, dude."  
Dean decided that he was officially refusing to move from his spot on the ground – his muscles were on hiatus. Castiel just continued to stand over him like…_well, like a guardian angel (pun intended)._

"Would you like some rain?" Cas suddenly asked; and within seconds it was raining – not too soft but not 'storm-hard' either. Just enough to cool Dean's temperature and make their clothes refreshingly wet.

The hunter found himself laughing again…_ because it felt good._ He hadn't thought about all the shit going on in his life the entire night. It felt so amazing to escape his world and forget everything – _isn't that everyone's dream?_ He had never admitted it to himself until then, but there was no way he could thank Cas enough for this. It scared him but he was now positively sure that these dreams, and Cas, were the only things keeping him alive.

While Dean was lost in thought, Castiel was still standing over him and it was making the hunter feel like he was being analysed…_because he was most definitely not imagining how Cas's eyes kept roaming over his body. _

"Cas, dude, come on… lie down. Look at the stars. You can tell me how old each one is since you probably know…"  
The angel snapped his eyes back to Dean's face and slowly, awkwardly, kneeled and then laid down next to him – in typical Castiel fashion, he was so close their shoulders were touching. _Personal space? What personal space? That douchebag Uriel never stood this close to Dean or Sam…_

He looked uncomfortable at first but after a while Dean could actually see, and feel, Cas's muscles relaxing as the rain slowed to a soft drizzle.

"Dean… I was wondering if we could perhaps postpone the topic of stars in favour of discussing your…our…_situation_."

Dean actually grunted.  
_Man up, dude. You knew he'd bring it up sooner or later._

"_Look Cas, I… this…" so he didn't really know what to say. But since when was Dean Winchester good at discussing his 'feelings'?_

"Do you not wish to tell Sam?" Castiel asked, making it easier for him. _  
_"No, I don't… I don't want to tell Sam…"  
"Bobby?"  
"No."  
"Anyone at all?"  
"…No."  
"Do you actually want to talk about it?"  
"Nope…but I know we have to, because…normal people don't have angels meddling with their dreams…"  
_There, he said it out loud..._  
"You're not normal, Dean. You're very special..."  
"Well I don't know about the special part, but obviously I'm not normal! I've been dragged out of hell, my brother fucks a demon and drinks her blood and I have to stop the fucking apocalypse! Oh and don't forget I can't even fucking sleep by myself! I basically need you to hold my hand for me to sleep properly! How many people can say that about their lives, huh?"

_Okay, so maybe he got a bit agitated…_

"We've never held hands, De-"  
"THAT WAS A FUCKING EXPRESSION, CAS! YOU'RE NOT MEANT TO TAKE IT LITERALLY!"

Dean practically yelled at the angel and Casvisibly flinched before sitting up in record time. He cast his head down and began fidgeting with the ball in his hands.  
"I'm sorry… I misunderstood you. We don't have to talk about this. I can tell you about the stars, if you wish. Or I can leave now…"

Dean sighted. _Yeah, he got unnecessarily angry._ None of this was Castiel's fault. If anything the angel was the only one trying to help him. He sat up as well and tentatively placed a hand on Cas's shoulder – _it always felt unreal touching the angel._

"Cas… don't apologise. _I'm_ sorry. I overreacted… I don't know what came over me. Don't leave… let's talk about it. _We have to_."  
The angel nodded but his head remained down and he kept fidgeting, only looking up briefly when Dean removed the hand on his shoulder.  
"Why don't you wish to tell anyone? Are you…embarrassed?" Cas asked.

_And that was possibly the million dollar question._ He wasn't embarrassed, not really. If he was being honest with himself, it did actually make him feel – and there was _that_ word again – _special_. Like it was something that Castiel did only for _him_. He didn't want to share Cas, _to share his angel_. _And where the hell did these feeling come from?_ He wanted to have a secret that he didn't have to share with Sam or Bobby or _anyone_. Something that was just _his_… truly _personal._

And yeah he sounded like a teenage girl. _Me, me, me, me, myself and I._ But fuck it, he was allowed to be selfish every once in a while.

Dean thought about lying to Castiel for a moment, but he couldn't bring himself to do it… Cas never lied to him.  
"I'm not embarrassed…" he said… And then it was like his mind disconnected from his brain and the words just came out in an uncontrolled rush.  
"This may sound selfish and self-centred and it may even seem like I'm assuming some sort of ownership over you… and honestly, _IT IS_ selfish and _I DO_ consider you and me and…yeah so… The truth is… I don't want to tell anyone because I want something for _ME_. I want something that isn't shared with Sam or _anyone else_! And I want _YOU, _because you're a freaking angel and this does actually make me feel…_'special'_! I know I joke around and call angel's dicks and generally crap all over anything remotely religious, but it's still surreal – _you're surreal! _I like to think…that this is something you do for me and I feel that if I told Sam or Bobby then I'd lose exclusivity... I don't want to share you! It's stupid and naïve but I feel like you're _my_ angel. So if you could just _indulge_ me, even though you don't have to, and keep giving me this…_peace_, I would… I'd give you my soul but you already own that - so I don't know how to repay you. Nothing could ever be _enough_ to thank you for this and that's just another constant reminder of how insignificant I am compared to you! So I don't want anyone to know… I don't want someone to remind you that I'm blasphemous and I sin and I'm just a terrible human being and that you have better things to worry about than some hunter's nightmares!"

_And holy fuck where did that come from! Who said that ? …'cause it wasn't him!_ Dean took a breath that felt like his first in years. He couldn't believe how he had just blurted everything out – _some things he didn't even know he was feeling._ He actually had an urge to slap a hand on his mouth like some gossiping teenage girl who'd told one secret too many.

Before he spoke, Cas was silent for what felt like an eternity, which really didn't help Dean's embarrassment.  
"Dean… I am not an 'on call service'. I don't come to other people every time they pray for me or because they need me. I _do_ come to _YOU_ every time you pray and I come to help _YOU_ every time you need me. This is something I offer to no else. So, even though I wouldn't define myself as 'belonging' to anyone, except my Father, you _can_ consider me… _your angel_. Also, I require no repayment for your…for my…_assistance._" Cas paused to place his hand on Dean's shoulder, right over his print and _fuck _if that didn't send a tingly pleasant feeling all over his body_…_ and _fuck_ if that didn't affect his nether regions. _Thank God for jeans._  
"There is a part of my grace within you, Dean…" the angel continued, "If you are in pain, I am in pain. If you are happy and well rested… then I am happy and well rested too. We have a bond, you're my responsibility and I intend to help you on your journey. No one can convince me that anything or anyone else is more deserving of my time."

And okay, he might have released a breath he didn't know he was holding, but the relief that washed over Dean almost suffocated him. Castiel didn't say anything else and it didn't seem like he expected an answer – not that Dean would have been able to formulate one.

He was eventually snapped out of his muted state when the angel started squirming uncomfortably next to him and loosened his tie a bit more. Admittedly, they were both wet, sweaty and covered in dirt. Dean stood and offered Cas his hand, but the angel just stared at him in that trademark 'I-don't-understand-what-you're-doing' way and stood up by himself – obviously unaware of the meaning of the gesture.

Dean shrugged it off and proceeded to convince Castiel to make some change rooms 'poof' out of nowhere so they could shower – only to find out that the angel had _never_ taken a shower.  
"I don't require having showers and I can simply replace my clothing… it's difficult to explain."  
"So you have an 'angel mojo' to make ties, shirts and trench coats?"  
"Yes, if you choose to put it that way."

Dean chuckled and they continued to banter as they walked to the change rooms Cas had created on the other side of field (but not before asking Dean if he wouldn't rather waking up… _he didn't really. He'd feel much better having a shower and delaying his inevitable return to reality_).

The hunter quickly directed Castiel to a cubicle and showed him how to use the taps. After Cas nodded enthusiastically several times, Dean left him to his shower while he stepped into the adjacent cubicle, and stripped down to his underwear. He heard the angel turn on the taps and did the same – relaxing even more under the warm water.

After a few minutes, however, Castiel's confused voice wafted over the mist of steam.  
'Dean, I don't see the purpose, practicality or pleasure in doing this. May I step out now?"  
Dean was genuinely surprised. _How can you not enjoy a warm shower?_ He stepped out of his cubicle and knocked on Cas's door.  
"Can I come in? Are you covered?"  
"…_yes_… I am _covered_…"  
He could pretty much hear the frown in Castiel's response – _did he understand the meaning of 'covered'?_ Slowly he opened the door, only to find that Castiel had mastered the use of the taps but missed a crucial part of showering – _you're meant to take your clothes off_. The angel was momentarily stunned at Dean's half-nakedness, looking between his fully clothed body and Dean's – realisation slowing hitting him. He began to loosen his tie as Dean returned to his shower.  
"I'm still doubtful that this will provide any relaxation or sooth-"  
And yes, Castiel actually stopped mid-sentence once he turned the taps back on and began his _real_ shower.

Dean chuckled. _They should make a movie out of his goddamn life right now. An angel was just stunned into silence by the wonder of a shower._

Once the showering was finished Castiel found the towels to be a waste of time, choosing instead to _mojo_ them, and their clothes, dry in seconds. Dean began to dress and Castiel followed his actions like a puppy.

_Yeah, 'like a puppy' is how Dean describes it okay? Okay._

In the end, however, he needed to help Cas button-up his shirt – something that the freaking _angel of the lord _seemed incapable of doing.

It was fine until he started approaching the angel's chest, feeling the slow rise and fall under his fingertips. Castiel was so close he could actually feel his breath on the side of his face. On top of it, every time he started a new button, Cas's skin got goosebumps where his fingertips touched him. And then _Dean_ had goosebumps and he felt like Castiel might have leaned a little closer. He was down to the last button and moved on to the tie, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up – in a good way, _goddamit_.

He began straightening Cas's collar, hands roaming over the angel's shoulders. Then, he gave the tie a last tug and found himself running his hand over it, flattening it all the way to tip. _It was like he was on autopilot_ _and he couldn't stop._

Cas was definitely closer, his nose just millimetres away from Dean's forehead. When he looked up into the angel's eyes, their breaths were actually mixing. And _fuck_ his nether regions were rebelling against his brain. He was so hard it actually hurt, and now he wasn't so thankful for jeans anymore.

He still hadn't removed his hands from Cas's chest. He couldn't move… he was paralysed. He didn't know what was happening. Castiel didn't move either and he couldn't read his expression.

**~r~**  
And then suddenly Cas blinked and Dean was back in the motel room, Sam snoring softly on the other bed. The alarm went off and he was vaguely aware of his brother getting up and asking something about breakfast. But he was sick… he had a hangover, a _dream_ hangover. He wanted to understand what happened but his mind wasn't making the necessary connections.

He definitely had too much to dream last night and his hormones needed to stop acting like he was a fucking 13 year old girl with a crush.

…_But why didn't Castiel pull away?_

Fuck. What was he getting himself into? 

**a/n:** Again, hope you enjoyed that. Please give feedback (whether good or bad) and suggestions etc. Thanks again :)


	3. Chapter 3: Chasing The Warmth

**For warnings and other info, please check 1****st**** chapter.**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or its characters. copyright of CW & Kripke and all other rightful owners.

**a/n:** This chapter is also a re-written version of the original chapter I posted when I first began this story. There are minor changes but they still don't affect the overall plot of the story. This is a particularly 'angsty' chapter. Thanks for reading/reviewing :)

**~d~** signifies the beginning of a scene set in a dream (aka, set in Dean's subconscious) **~r~** signifies the end of dream and return to 'reality'. 

_Chapter 3 – Chasing the warmth_

"_I wish I couldn't feel anything Sammy… I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing."_

Everything was different now. Nothing would ever be the same.

If you asked Dean why he did it, he'd say he didn't really know why he slept with Anna. It wasn't bad… but it wasn't spectacular either. _It was just sex_.

Sometimes he would say he did it because he was angry.

The angels where driving him insane. He was about ready to smite Uriel; and as for Castiel… _what the hell was wrong with him?_ He thought Cas was different… so why wasn't he standing up to that douchebag! He'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little disappointed. Castiel was acting like a 'dick' and part of Dean thinks that he did it as a 'fuck you' to him.  
_Fuck you, I'll sex your angel and then I'll save her from you and the forces of hell.  
_Why he thought, at the time, that this would upset Cas is beyond him, and if the angel was at all disturbed by these events he didn't let it show.

During these times he ignored that nagging in his mind telling him that there were 300 other ways he could have pissed off Cas if he _really_ wanted to. He tried hard to ignore the fact that deep down he knows he didn't want to hurt Cas… why would he? If he was _really_ upset with the angel's behaviour he wouldn't have jumped in and stopped Alastair from hurting him.

The logical, and mostly ignored, part of his brain accepted that Cas was following orders and that he had already disobeyed for him before. Not to mention when Uriel said that Cas had a weakness… that he 'liked' Dean. _What the hell did that actually mean?_

So no, he didn't do it to piss of Castiel. In fact, who was he kidding? If Dean opened his mind, he would know exactly why he did it… _he genuinely wanted to_. It wasn't because it was Anna, the ex-angel who happened to be a female and not bad on the eyes – he just wanted to feel something good. He needed some contact, a delicate touch… connection.

Which brought him back to Castiel and _that moment_ last time they were in his subconscious. Touching Cas… being that close to someone without the intent of hurting them. Touching for the sake of touching… connecting. It felt good. He'd never tell anyone, but _damn_ it felt awesome. It was a rush of heat, a warmth he hadn't felt in so long. He was craving that warmth, that connection, and he hadn't even realised it. He chased that _high_ like a junkie, it led him straight to Anna and he got himself an overdose – he took all the warmth she had to offer. _He wishes he hadn't done it._

Dean wanted to deny it, but he knew the _chase_ might have led him straight to Castiel… except that Cas hadn't visited him since _the last time_. He didn't have nightmares, because the angel still interfered with a calming presence, but he didn't see Cas either. Quite frankly, he was disappointed. Some pretty major shit had happened since the last time he'd seen the angel in his dreams and it was like Castiel didn't give a fuck. He told Sam that he remembered hell, he finally _spoke_ about hell, and he had an actual physical run-in with fucking _Alastair_ – still, Cas was a no-show, his 'presence' just enough to keep Alastair's face from haunting him every night since.

Served him right though. He was paying for his weakness. He shouldn't have allowed himself to feel _anything_. The moment he craved something, and he let himself have it, he royally screwed the wall he had built around his mind. He just wanted to feel the warmth, but he was inundated with all this other _crap_. It's no wonder he spilled the beans to Sam about what he did and then _again_ about how he actually enjoyed it. If he had just kept the lid on his feelings, he would have waltzed straight through this whole Anna ordeal and the twisted family case. But no, he had to go and over think everything that happened with Cas in his dream and poke a gaping wound on the tight little corner of his mind where he sealed all the bad stuff. So now he _felt everything,_ and it was all fucking awful once the warmth was gone.

He had never said anything more true in his life – _he wished he couldn't feel anything… not a damn thing._

His mind was on auto-pilot, it would _think and_ _think and think_ without Dean wanting it to. It analysed and dissected things like _how in the hell did he believe that he was starting to feel whole again just because of some makeshift therapy sessions with Cas in his dreams_? How could he be so stupid to think that he could really ignore it all and live in the fantasy world where an angel of the lord comes in and takes him away from everything rotten in his life? That was his first mistake, feeling happy in those moments, feeling somewhat peaceful.

He would think about Sam, about Ruby, about Castiel, about Lilith… about Alastair. In the end, he always came up with the same thing – _Why am I here? Why me?_

It was 2.30 am according to the clock on the bedside table and Sam was snoring softly from across the room. Dean couldn't fall asleep even though he was exhausted. His mind was in overdrive, thinking about this and that - ignoring the loudest thought telling him to pray for Castiel, telling him that all he wanted right now was freaking Cas to talk to… that he needed it. _And how the hell had it come to this?_

He weighed the pros and cons and came up pretty much empty handed on the con side (except for the possibility of awkwardness in the first few minutes _and that sadistic nagging that told him he didn't deserve this comfort). _So Dean closed his eyes and whispered, "Cas? Castiel? If you're listening… I… I need you. Please…come."

He heard the flutter of wings, felt the light breeze and by the time his eyes opened Castiel was standing there with an undecipherable look on his face.  
"Dean, everything okay?"  
Dean sat up, clearing his throat. It felt a little too awkward to be looking up at the angel from the bed.  
"I..uhh… I can't sleep."

…_And I'm fucking miserable. I can't control my feelings. I want to rip out my soul and dissect my brain until I can't feel anything. You should just kill me and throw me back in Hell._

Castiel just nodded and moved to touch his fingers to Dean's temple but the hunter grabbed his wrist just before he did it.  
"Cas…You'll be there, right? I mean… can you… can you…?" …_Can you stay?  
_The angel just nodded again and Dean tentatively let go of his wrist. Cas did his mojo and slowly lowered Dean onto the bed. Then he sat on the floor, head resting against the mattress near Dean's head. He closed his eyes - this was going to be a long night.

**~d~**  
Dean was in a park, sitting on a bench – no sign of Castiel. He stood and spun around looking for the angel among the trees or over the grass hill. By the time he finished one loop Cas was already standing right next to him, shoulders touching. It was too close for Dean… he wanted to stay like that but he couldn't. _He shouldn't_. So he sat down and Castiel stayed standing like he knew he would.

They didn't say a word; Cas just stared at the swings in the playground like he was trying to figure out how they worked and Dean just stared at the angel. He felt like it'd been 20 minutes already and it was killing him. It was like there was this magnetic pull that kept trying to get him to grab Cas's sleeve and pull him down onto the seat, right next to him. Which couldn't, shouldn't, happen.

So he acted on impulse and jumped up, walking towards the swings.  
"Come on, Cas. You're looking at these things like they're the world's most unsolvable problem, dude. Let me show you how it's done, aye?"

Castiel actually shrugged, following Dean and taking a sit on the swing next to his.

It was fun watching Castiel swing for a while and competing to see who could swing the highest (guess who won…). But after Dean stopped - because his legs started cramping and he was breaking a sweat while Castiel looked like he could go for another million years - the dead silence took over again.

Dean hopped off the swing and sat on the grass overlooking the playground while Cas was slowly coming to a stop. He allowed himself a little chuckle – Castiel the angel of the lord was on a swing enjoying himself like a 5-year-old child. He wanted to feel happy, relaxed and peaceful but he stopped himself, actually pinching his arm. _You're not allowed that anymore, none of this is real._

He was too caught up in his internal battle to notice Cas walking over until the angel blocked the sun, casting a shadow over Dean. Looking up at Castiel with the light streaming around him was incredible. He looked ethereal and majestic… like an angel. It triggered a thought in his mind and before he could stop himself his mouth was speaking while his brain screamed a very loud _'NO'_.  
"Cas… what did Uriel mean when he said that you have a weakness? That you 'like' me? … Are you in trouble?"  
And yeah, Castiel visibly tensed. His expression turning hard, eyes distant.  
"That's not for you to be concerned with, Dean. I will deal with my own problems whether or not they stem from my relationship with you and your brother."

That sounded too much like a _'shut up and leave it alone, I don't want to talk about it'_ for Dean to ignore. So he simply shrugged, picking out leaves of grass and piling them into a little mountain – while Castiel was still standing over him.

All of the sudden the angel shifted and sat himself down _right next to Dean_. His knee was basically resting on top of Castiel's and they were connected from hip to shoulder.

Cas, like the little puppy he was, started mimicking Dean, picking out grass and adding to his mount.

Dean couldn't move. He screwed his eyes shut and tuned out all the alarm bells going off in his head… When he opened his eyes he let himself enjoy the warmth starting to wash over him. And _fuck it_, he smiled.

"Cas… why do you always sit, and stand, so close to me?"

_WHOA_ _WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM? _Fuck his warmth-addled brain!

Castiel shrugged… he looked oh-so human when he did that.  
"It's difficult to explain…"  
"Try me." _Shut up Dean. Shut up Dean. SHUT UP DEAN.  
_"It doesn't seem to happen with anyone else. I… well, whenever I am in close proximity to you I… this is very foreign to me. Angels aren't supposed to… you see…" yes, Castiel was actually stuttering. "I feel _something_. A… sensation… a rush of heat. It seems to travel down my spinal chord and gather just bellow my navel… sometimes it comes from everywhere in my vessel to culminate in the one place. It's warm and… pleasant. I feel like it could get stronger but no matter how close I stand I can never get it to reach it's maximum… level – it's frustrating. I _want_ to stand close to you as a result. It must be a human thing… must come from my vessel.Do you get this? Am I making sense?"  
Dean actually replayed that in his head about 3 times before accepting that Cas did _indeed_ say that he gets a boner every time he stands next to him.

_How did he never notice?_ Well, it's not like he went around looking at the dude's crotch... _The angel's crotch._

Yeah, it freaked him out a bit… or a lot.  
"Do you… do you have that feeling now?" He didn't even care that his voice totally broke and that by the end of the sentence he was pretty much squealing.  
"Yes… I am close to you, am I not?"  
And okay, he sneaked a look… only to find no evidence of an actual boner. And only to find, once he looked up, that the angel was watching him all along.  
"So you know what I am referring to?" Cas said, Dean's cheeks still hot and flushed.  
"Wh-what?"  
"You looked at my vessel's reproductive organ didn't you? I assume that you understand then. The first times it happened I could feel the vessel's embarrassment at the bodily reaction, so now I exercise control over the physical response. I guess you could say there is no evidence of this… _rush_."

_Jesus_, Cas really needed to stop saying 'rush'. And if possible he should never say 'reproductive organ' again... or 'bodily reaction'. OR ANYTHING he said in those last 5 minutes. _Dean Winchester why couldn't you keep your mouth shut_?

He really couldn't avoid it now. This was not happening to him. _Except it was, because his life was a fucking joke. _He was shocked. He couldn't even speak – just kept opening and closing his mouth, all the while knowing that he should move away from the angel but not really wanting to. He didn't even flinch when Cas put his hand over his shoulder right in that _special place_, over his handprint. He just sighed and closed his eyes because now _he_ had a boner and unlike Castiel he couldn't control his… _physical response_. And _fuck_, he knew why the angel was doing it. He was chasing that 'maximum level' which was basically his uneducated way of saying he was trying to come without even knowing it. He should have been running for the hills but he didn't, even though he knew he'd hate himself for this sooner or later.

And Castiel was definitely just doing what he'd seen someone else do - in this case he started tracing the same path Dean traced around his shoulders and down his chest when he was fixing his tie and collar. Dean actually had the courage to open his eyes only to see that Castiel was witnessing his 'physical response' in awe – because yeah, those weren't very tight jeans. _He couldn't watch_, he just screwed his eyes shut, lowered his head and tried to will it all away because it was so 'wrong'.

But Cas actually fucking ran a tentative hand through his hair, like he was testing the texture and feel of it, all the while tracing circles over his stomach with his other hand. And Dean could feel the angel leaning closer, his breath playing across the side of his face and neck.

He was being such a terrible human being… Castiel had no fucking idea what he was doing. But then again, Uriel knew about it when he caught onto him and Anna, so Cas _must_ have known what sex and relationships are as well. _Doesn't mean he knew about it in detail. Doesn't mean he knew that this is part of what it feels like… _

And oh, someone should have dumped a bucket of ice over him because his legs went on strike and just, of their own accord, untangled themselves and spread out across the grass. He actually braced himself back on his hands - head still down, Cas still running his hand through his hair and caressing his stomach. It was all a little too much but so good at the same time. _Where did his moral compass go?_

Then Castiel tugged oh so gently on his hair and Dean's head just rolled back. It was enough of a distraction for him not to notice that the angel was basically leaning over him, legs already intertwined, and that his hand had just inched a little lower. He was too lost in Cas's breath, which was also getting closer, and the warmth that seemed to spread every time a part of his body touched a part of Cas's.

_What in heaven's name was he doing?_ This was too wrong. This was too… _intimate._ He shivered, couldn't help it, when Cas touched the tip of his nose to the tip of his ear. And he actually moaned, just a little whimper, when he ran that tip down his ear and across his jaw. It was so surreal. He was so incredibly hard... the worst thing is that Castiel noticed and, overcome by curiosity, very slowly and very lightly ran his fingertips across Dean's bulge.

And that's when he bolted straight up. He had never gotten up so fast in his life. Castiel stared up at him with the most confused look he'd ever seen – plus he might have looked a little frustrated. But he just couldn't do it… _What the fuck was he doing?_

"Wake me up, Cas. Wake me up. Please… just wake me up."

He did wake up, just in time to see Castiel stand up from his spot on the ground and disappear out of the room. Just in time to hear the alarm go off.

But it didn't matter. He was wide-awake and the only thing he felt was that he already missed the contact.

_Everything was different now. Fuck… nothing would ever be the same. _

**a/n:** yeah, Dean had a little freak out moment. Anyway, hope you enjoyed that. Please give feedback (whether good or bad) and suggestions etc. Thanks again :)


	4. Chapter 4: Emotions and Loyalty

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or its characters. copyright of CW & Kripke and all other rightful owners.

**a/n:** This chapter was once more a re-written version of the original chapter I posted when I first began this story. There were also minor changes but they still don't affect the overall plot of the story. This chapter finishes just before 'On The Head of a Pin' and there's a bit of Cas trying to figure out what's going on with his feelings. Thanks for reading/reviewing :)

**~d~** signifies the beginning of a scene set in a dream (aka, set in Dean's subconscious) **~r~** signifies the end of dream and return to 'reality'.

**-C-**__was Castiel's POV. **-DW-** signifies Dean's POV. **-SW-** signifies Sam's POV. 

_Chapter 4 – A question of Emotions and Loyalty_

**-C-**__

Dean Winchester was by far the most fascinating human being Castiel had ever encountered. At first he thought it was his vessel that was physically drawn to the human, but ultimately Castiel knew that he only had himself to blame for missing the hunter once he left his mind in the mornings. He only had himself to blame for the frustration and confusion he experienced when Dean suddenly pulled away from his touch the last time he had shared his dream on the park. Touching and being close to Dean felt good; didn't Dean feel the same way? Didn't his body respond in the same pleasurable manner?

Castiel knew that these feelings, these emotions, weren't 'normal' for angels. He shouldn't had been exhibiting this sort of behaviour towards a human – shouldn't had been getting this attached to Dean. He couldn't help but consider the possibility that this new found emotional outbursts and experiences were a sign that he might be on the pathway to falling… that he was subconsciously choosing Dean and the humans over the orders and wishes of his Father.

But given the circumstances, his faith and loyalty were stronger than ever, in his opinion. He had been working tirelessly to defend the other soldiers of heaven, _his friends_, and was using every means necessary to discover who was killing angels and _how._ He hadn't spent hardly anytime with Dean or Sam – only occasionally meeting the boys when they had a research question or needed something. Even then, he didn't always stop to actually communicate, mostly he just wrote the information on a piece of paper or found them a book to help with research and just 'zaped' it to them; then he waited for Dean's whispered 'Thank You, Cas', before continuing with whatever mission he was on.

He had basically almost completely devoted himself to stopping the breaking of the seals and protecting his fellow angels those past few weeks. But… his mind invariably drifted to Dean, and he missed him – _even though he was in the middle of an all-out war between Heaven and Hell._

Realistically, Castiel really couldn't help it. Dean had a part of his grace so he was naturally connected to the human but… there was something else. Another feeling. Uriel was right in his warnings – he had become emotionally involved with all things relating to Dean. He _liked_ Dean. But he'd never felt this way before. He wasn't sure how to interpret these feelings or how humans reacted in these situations. Angels weren't supposed to succumb to these emotions, especially not for humans. _But Dean wasn't just any human_.

Admittedly, his behaviour the last time he had shared a dream with Dean was rash and uncontrolled… _too human_. Castiel understood the basics of human relationships - from a friendship, to a romantic relationship, to a family relationship. But that's just the thing, he understood only the '_basics'_. He later became fully aware that his actions did not fit in the 'friendship category', and most definitely not the 'family category'. He had deciphered, from close observation of other humans during his travels those past few weeks, that the reaction his body experienced when he was near Dean and when they touched was most definitely attributed to physical attraction – hence, it fits into the 'romantic category'. Again, this was too human… he had never experienced this before. He was trying desperately to keep it a secret from Uriel and the other angels, but Castiel was confused and he needed answers.

For everyday that he let this whirlpool of feelings control his mind, he felt more like a human and less like a soldier of God. _And what's more terrifying was that he wasn't entirely sure that was such a bad thing._

Bottom of the line, Castiel wanted answers but he'd been so busy that he hardly had time to 'supervise' Dean's dreams to make sure he had a restful night's sleep. As it turned out though, ever since that last shared dream at the park, Dean's dreams had been surprisingly less and less about Hell or Alastair, and more about Castiel. They weren't coherent dreams and most of the time Castiel simply 'tuned' them out, only keeping a lookout for any sign of distress or strong emotions that could signal the shift towards a nightmare. There were more and more nights when Dean didn't require any assistance to sleep well, and it seemed that the hunter had managed to curb his raging emotions and resolve most of his recent internal dilemmas – Castiel was fully aware of the fragile mental state Dean had been in after the encounter with Alastair and before their last shared dream. Uriel had kept him under a tight leash, partially blaming him for Anna's escape, and he hadn't been able to support Dean as much as he would have liked to. But Dean was strong, and he had apparently managed to overcome his emotions all on his own.

One particular dream sparked Castiel's attention, and he hadn't been able to forget it. Dean had re-enacted the dream in the park but instead of pulling away when he originally did, the hunter had… touched his mouth to Castiel's. He'd seen other humans doing this and he was sure Uriel knew what it meant, but he didn't have the courage to ask. He was certain it was behaviour undertaken by humans in a romantic relationship though, and this intrigued him... Human romantic relationships intrigued him. In the dream, Dean also wrapped his arms around Castiel's neck and appeared to be overcome by some sort of physical and emotional burst of pleasure right before he woke up. Castiel couldn't help but wonder if this _explosion_ was that 'maximum' feeling he tried to achieve but that always seemed frustratingly out of reach. Again, he was sure Uriel would know what it meant – and he really wanted to know what caused that reaction in Dean and if _he_ could feel it too – but he didn't want to ask.

Finally, he decided that there was one person who could help him – Sam Winchester. After all, unknown to him, the younger Winchester owed Castiel for stopping Uriel from exercising an 'angelic intervention' because of his 'relationship' with the demon Ruby. Castiel had pleaded for Uriel to have faith in the boy's ultimate loyalty to his older brother… hopefully Sam would prove him right.

Right now, Castiel just wanted some information. So after running his last errand for Uriel, he seeked out Sam Winchester.

**-SW-**

He was returning from a meeting with Ruby. Sitting in the Impala, parked in the motel lot, Sam desperately tried to scrub some blood from his shirt collar… Ruby had gotten particularly frisky that night. All of the sudden Castiel was standing in front of the car and Sam swears he had a mini heart attack. He stepped out and couldn't help but feel embarrassed that the angel caught him with bloodstained clothes, probably reeking of demon. As it turned out, Cas actually wrinkled in nose in slight disgust and frowned momentarily before returning to his calm, seemingly non-judgemental composure and sitting in the hood of the Impala.

"Sam…" Cas's customary greeting followed by a short nod.  
"Cas, long time no see. What brings you here?" He replied.  
"Yes…I've been busy. I need to ask you some questions but… you must promise that you won't tell Dean about this meeting."

Sam could have imagined it, but even in the low lighting he could tell Cas was actually blushing slightly.  
"Well… sure, if that's what you want… You should talk to Dean though… kinda seems like he misses you sometimes."  
The angel just nodded slightly before taking a deep breath and speaking.  
"I… wanted to know why humans touch their mouths to other's… what does it mean? What role does it play in a romantic relationship?" Cas asked.

_And yeah, that was the last thing he expected the angel to ask._ What did this have to do with Dean?  
"Ummm…well…that's kissing. It's just… a show of affection or love… and attraction… It's nice. Cas, why were y-"  
"And what about wrapping one's arms around another's neck? And caressing the hair? Like a conventional hug but… different?"

_Wow okay, what was going on…?_  
"Oh well… that's uhhh… a bit harder to explain. Not everyone does that. It's just... well, like you said – a hug but different. Kinda like a kiss, it shows affection and strong attraction… So what's with these qu-"  
"And what happens when… well, I'm not sure how to phrase this. I witnessed Dea– _someone_, experiencing this emotional and… physical release of pleasure, I believe that's the right word. What was it? And why did it happen?"

And yeah, Castiel was asking him what an orgasm was… _and somehow this related to Dean. _Just what in heaven's name was happening?  
"Cas that's… that's a little too… awkward to talk about. Why were you asking me this and why can't I tell Dean?"

Castiel made a whiny noise. He _actually_ whined and squirmed uncomfortably. Sam briefly considered if this was a dream… or a demon posing as Castiel. But no, it was Cas. There was a Devil's Trap drawn under the hood and if it was demon Castiel wouldn't have been able to stand up off the hood and start pacing _nervously_ like he did.

Cas sighed and sat back down (he really was behaving like a _human_… it was kind of fascinating to Sam).  
"I witnessed one of Dean's dreams. He was… we where… in a park and Dean… touched his mouth to mine and 'hugged' me in that 'different' way. Then he experienced that… release. Then he woke up. I want to know how he achieved that… burst of emotion."

Sam must have stared at Castiel with his jaw flat on the ground and his eyebrows in his hairline for about 5 minutes straight. He had so many questions…  
"Are you sure it was Dean? I mean… my brother DEAN? And it was you he was kissing?"  
"Yes and yes, Sam."  
"And it was HIS dream? Which, by the way, why where you… 'watching' his dream?"  
"It was absolutely Dean's dream and… it was a 'one time' occurrence… I don't usually… or ever do that."

Somehow it felt like there was something Cas wasn't saying, but his mind had already moved past that question and onto another one.  
"I guess the ultimate question was… what where YOU doing during this dream?"

_He wasn't really sure he wanted to know the answer to that…  
_"I was touching Dean…"  
_Yeah, he DEFINETELY didn't want to know the answer._ Before the angel could elaborate, Sam cut in.  
"Okay, listen Cas. I don't know what's going on between you and Dean but the only person who can tell you all the correct information about this…dream… is Dean himself. If he _is_ having these kinds of dreams then you should _definitely_ talk to him about them. I can't help you, sorry."

Cas just nodded slowly, looking almost defeated – again, so… _human._  
"I see. Thank you for your help Sam."  
"Yeah… anytime Cas. Just... sort this out with Dean, okay?"

He stood up then, moving towards the warmth of their motel room, eager for some sleep. But before he could reach the door, Castiel called him and when he turned around the angel was right in front of him. Cas touched his stained shirt collar and immediately the blood disappeared. He went to say thank you but Cas spoke first.

"Just… in the end, don't forget where your loyalty belongs, Sam. A lot of people are counting on it, including me."

And with that Cas was gone, leaving Sam with a clean shirt but a sinking feeling in his stomach.

**-DW-**

He woke up to the sound of Sam opening the room door in the middle of the night. He'd gotten used to these late night/early morning 'sneak outs' when Sam thought he was asleep and went to be with Ruby and do… whatever the hell they did. His brother seemed troubled that night though and he wondered if he should ask him about it or continue to pretend to sleep.

He kept on pretending to sleep, clinging on to that hope that if Sam needed to talk about stuff, then he _would_ _talk _about stuff _with Dean_… he would turn to his older brother for advice and understanding, share what's going on. _Dean still hoped that was the case._

Sam went into the bathroom and he took the opportunity to shift positions and settle comfortably to actually go back to sleep. While part of his mind was hoping that he wouldn't have a repeat of that _one_ dream - that 'alternate ending' dream where he didn't pull away from Cas – another part hoped he did. One part doesn' want to wake up sweaty and uncomfortably hard - not to mention both sexually frustrated _and confused_ – but another part thought about the slim chance that Cas would notice his dream and _make it real_.

Strangely enough, he wasn't afraid of the nightmares anymore. He'd been so busy with research and hunting and he'd devoted so much time to trying to sort out his…feelings… for Castiel that he seemed to have 'calmed his emotional compass down'. He was tired of feeling shitty and feeling guilty and feeling disgusting… he was tired of feeling these _negative feelings_. So he took a page out of 'Sam's book' (well, maybe not 'Sam's book' now, in his current state, but… _'Sam's book' a few years ago_) and he started focusing on what kept the _'bad'_ feelings at bay. What sealed all those god-awful memories away – not forgotten, that was impossible, but tucked away and _dealt with_. He soon figured out that thinking about Castiel was a major weapon against the bad emotions. As were memories of him and Sam, and Dad and even Bobby. Once he found ways to deal with the guilt and the despair and the disgust, he could focus on his research, trying to rekindle was relationship with Sam and finally, understanding just what in the heavens was going on between him and Cas.

He couldn't feasibly deny that he was physically attracted to Castiel, but it still confused the hell out of him. He was a dude… _an angel_. But a _male_ angel. With a _male_ body. _And amazing lips, piercing eyes and adorable hair that you just want to mess up. With broad shoulders and strong arms that you want around you. And beautiful thin hands that you ultimately want wrapped around-_ whoa whoa whoa. His mind was entering over-drive. So yes, he was attracted to Cas… a guy. So maybe he was… gay? _But _he had never, and still didn't, find any men attractive – with the _one_ exception of Castiel. He'd been over these issues a thousand times and always ultimately decided that it didn't matter. _As of now, he was attracted to Castiel, male angel of the Lord._

And Castiel… liked him too? The dude had practically said that he gets a boner around Dean. And he _touched_ Dean. So yeah… Cas had some 'feelings' too. When it came down to it, the main issue was still Castiel's 'inexperience'. Was he aware of what each action meant and what their effect where? And even more importantly, was he _allowed_ to… be with Dean? _An angel and a human?_ The way he figured it, Dean had never followed the rules before so he wasn't going to start following them now. Cas might feel differently though…

Another thing he thought long and hard about was whether he _wanted_ to start… something… with Cas. Should he get himself emotionally involved? Obviously, he came to the conclusion that he was _already_ involved and that, bottom of the line, Castiel made him happy. That was enough of an incentive for Dean. But _damn_ this was confusing… was he _really_ considering this?

Sometime between his musings, Sam had exited the toilet and was snoring softly in his bed. Dean sighed contently and snuggled in deeper under the covers.

**~d~**

He looked around and found himself standing in front of the Impala in the motel parking-lot. Sitting on the hood was Cas. Dean knew this wasn't a traditional dream. The angel was _actually_ there. Invading his mind – not a product of his subconscious. He couldn't help the swell of happiness in his chest.

"Dean…" Cas greeted him as he sat down next to the angel on the hood. As if on impulse, Castiel shuffled a little closer.  
"Hey Cas… glad you're here. Miss my feathered friend…" He chuckled nervously, _like a 13 fucking year old girl. What the fuck, man._  
"Dean, I'm sorry I've been absent. It's good to see that you are doing well. I… have a lot of things to say and things to ask you but I don't have much time tonight."

He'd be lying if he said his good spirits didn't drop a little.  
"Oh okay… did you have something urgent you wanted to talk about?"  
Dean watched as Cas slowly took a deep breath before speaking.  
"It seems that I have… developed some rather uncharacteristic feelings. Feelings that angels aren't usually vulnerable to… feelings for you. And while at first I didn't want to act on them – plus I'm sure that Uriel and the other angels would strongly disapprove – I am now revising that decision. Because… I find myself fascinated by… well, you. And the fact that we share my grace, this connection it forms between us… it's very difficult to detach even my thoughts from you. I've been conflicted and I've come to the decision that trying to counter these feelings is doing nothing to alleviate them so maybe I should simply act on them. Plus… I do find myself _wanting_ to act on these feelings. So I guess… I'd like to… If you would..."

He didn't quite know what to say. Cas stopped trying to finish his sentence and was staring at him with his head inclined in that trademark way and his eyes piercing him.  
"I… uh… was that… did you just ask me… do you want to be…I, uhh…"  
_Coherent speech, Winchester. Last time I checked, you're capable of it. _

Thankfully Castiel spoke first, snapping him out of his stupor.  
"I haven't actually asked anything yet. Although I was wondering if we could… try something? I - naturally since I keep watch over your subconscious - witnessed a particular dream in which-"

Feeling quite bold, and possibly happier than he'd been in a while, Dean interrupted Cas by holding out his hand. The angel stopped talking immediately and just looked at Dean expectantly. Although he was happy, he couldn't deny the overwhelming nervousness that overcame him, he knew what Cas was talking about… But all it took was a spark of courage for him to slowly nod and simply say 'Okay…'.

For all his obvious doubts and inexperience, Cas was quite good at mimicking. He pushed Dean down onto the hood so that he was resting almost exactly the same way as he was in the park. His back was leaning against the windshield and as the angel slowly intertwined their legs and leaned into Dean's body, he tentatively snaked his arms around Cas's neck - one hand resting at the nape and the other buried in his hair. His reaction to Castiel's proximity was the same as always and he softly moaned as the angel slipped one hand into his hair and started a trail with the other. Cas caressed his face before running two fingers down behind his ear, to his neck and stopping briefly to feel the hunter's blood rushing through his pulse point as his heart beat faster and faster.

Dean never knew such a simple touch could be so arousing, but he was already uncomfortably hard. He took a ragged breath as Castiel followed the same trail as his hand with his mouth, on the opposite side. Cas was slow and after the first two kisses he stopped, looking up as if he was trying to determine if this was something he should be doing. Dean was too lost in the feeling for words, so he just gently nudged the angel's head back towards his exposed neck and thankfully Cas took that as a sign to continue. _It was torture_. He was finding it harder to breathe and he couldn't seem to stop tugging on Castiel's hair as he trailed a line of kisses along his jaw – his hand resting on his hip, thumb making slow caressing circles while he continued to bury his other hand in Dean's hair.

It was almost like the closer Castiel's mouth got to Dean's, the faster his heart would beat. Finally, Cas was so close than Dean couldn't help but lick his lips in anticipation. The angel's eyes widened for a split second and then slowly, gently, he finally, _oh finally,_ touched his lips to Dean's.

So that was it, he was kissing a guy… _an angel_. He was kissing Castiel. And he… well, _he liked it._ Desperate for more, he pressed forward and, in his haste, brushed his knee against Castiel's crotch. Cas actually gasped and moaned softly; Dean just took the opportunity to pry the angel's mouth open and run his tongue through his bottom lip before finally clashing with Cas's tongue.

Castiel's reaction was amazing, one of pure wonder. He moaned, deep in his chest, and held Dean closer, tighter – his grip on his hip increasing – and then tenderly slipped the hand in Dean's hair to cup his face. Dean couldn't believe it. Cas was tentative at first but now his tongue was just as adventurous as Dean's, and he just couldn't get enough of the angel when he was so _loose_ like this, so _human_.

He could have done that for hours but Castiel broke the kiss. Both were breathing heavily and Dean couldn't help but stare at Cas's swollen lips and flushed cheeks. He smiled and pecked the angel again before he could help himself. When he pulled back Cas actually had a little smile on his face and he still hadn't dropped his hand from Dean's cheek.

"I have to go, Dean. I can't stay any longer…" Castiel said, before squeezing his hip once more and dropping his hands to untangle his body from Dean's.  
"Yeah…yeah. Okay. I'll see you… later then?"  
"I will try to visit you more often but… we are loosing the war and there's been crimes that are yet to be answered for… I'm afraid I'm very busy at the present time. I don't imagine I'd be able to stay much longer than what I've stayed tonight…"

Dean couldn't bring himself to care, he'd take _any_ time. He hadn't felt this good in a _very, very_ long time.  
"That's okay. Short visits are enough for now. Just make sure you _do_ visit… don't leave me worrying about you…"  
"I'll try my best, Dean."

Cas stood up from the hood and Dean followed. Unexpectedly Castiel hugged him and Dean was momentarily too stunned to reciprocate. The angel pulled back slowly and ducked his head.  
"Am I not supposed to do that?"  
And yeah, Dean laughed.  
"No, no. That's fine… you just, took me by surprise. Hugs are very… _human_…" He answered before hugging Cas back. The angel sighed and when Dean let go of him he heard the flutter of wings and then Cas was gone with a brief "Bye, Dean".

He whispered goodbye and for the second time he could have sworn that he felt a wing, this time brushing his chest just before Castiel took off.

Dean sighed happily as the dream began to change and he woke up the next morning feeling better than he had in months.

_Little did he know that his happiness would be short-lived_ _and his emotions and loyalty tested before sunset._

**a/n:** thanks for reading :) as always, feedback & suggestions are more than welcome.


	5. Chapter 5: I'm Sorry

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or its characters. copyright of CW & Kripke and all other rightful owners.

**a/n:** Another re-written version of the original chapter I posted when I first began this story. More minor changes that still don't affect the overall plot of the story. This chapter was entirely about 'On the Head of a Pin'. Thanks for reading/reviewing :)

**~d~** signifies the beginning of a scene set in a dream (aka, set in Dean's subconscious) **~r~** signifies the end of dream and return to 'reality'. **Text in Italics surrounded by ' –f– ' are flashbacks.**

_Chapter 5: I'm sorry_

Blurred vision… distant noises… machine beeps and hurried footsteps. Someone was crying somewhere; the sound was muffled though…_ by what? A wall?  
_As his vision slowly cleared, he found himself staring into a white ceiling. Dean could smell the disinfected aroma that could only be associated with one place – _a hospital._ He looked around, there was a lot of needles stuck in his arms, long chords with clear liquids and one with what looked like blood. Though he couldn't see it, he could hear a machine monitoring his heartbeatconnected to those stickers in his chest and that 'clip' stuck in his index finger.

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_

He layed there, back to staring at the ceiling after realising that he'd fallen unconscious once again. He stayed like that for a while… maybe an hour, maybe two; or maybe just 10 minutes, he didn't know. He felt numb and detached – not feeling much of anything really.

He did, however, feel the sudden sharp pain in his right temple and how his throat seemed to clench, making it even harder to breathe. His vision was blurring again... but Dean was still acutely aware of those beeps getting faster and faster. This time it was bad.

_Beep...Beep..Beep..._

The machine was screaming out for anyone that would hopefully listen. The last thing he saw clearly was a flash of beige… a trench coat? Could it be…?

_Castiel. _

Dean felt the light touch of two fingers on his temple and then the beeping slowed down just as his vision blurred into darkness - but not before he saw the beige disappear, replaced by blue… blue and white. _Nurses? Doctors?_

Didn't matter, it was all black.

**~d~**

"Dean…Dean!"  
Someone was nudging him. Strong arms but delicate hands…  
"Dean… wake up. Dean..."  
This person had a calming scent, like sea breeze. _Only one person smelt like that._  
"Dean… come on. Wake up, please."  
That deep voice…

_Yup, it was Castiel. _

Slowly he opened his eyes. Where the hell where they? He was sitting on a bench in the middle of… a park? His surroundings were like one of those postcard photos of Central Park.

Castiel was, of course, sitting right next to him. Dean's head resting on his shoulder. He looked around at the view once more… _yeah, it couldn't be real._

"Is this… am I…?" _Dreaming… dead?_  
His voice was broken, rough. His throat hurt… _and_ his chest, ribs, head - _everything_ hurt. Inside _and_ out.  
"We're in your head, Dean. You are unconscious in the hospital."  
"So I'm… I'm dreaming?"  
"I guess you could say so, yes."  
"If this is a dream… why am I in pain? I'm never… I never get hurt in dreams. And why did you have to 'wake me up' just then?"  
"Yes, well you're not really dreaming in the traditional sense. You're unconscious, your body is recovering. It's dreamless 'sleep'. I'm sorry about the pain but it was hard enough getting your brain to 'wake up', as you said. I'm unable to also take away the pain as I would in any other situation."

So Castiel was waking up his brain from its unconscious state? _What the hell?_ He wanted to stand up and pace around or something, clear his head, but he was much too sore for that. In fact, the idea of 'dreamless sleep' sounded pretty good. For once, Dean didn't actually feel like talking to Cas.

"Well, why are you waking me up? Shouldn't you be letting me rest? All I've done already isn't enough? You want _more_ from me even while I'm freaking unconscious?"  
Cas seemed a little taken aback.  
"No, I'm not here to ask anything of you… I was simply won-_"_  
"What? Checking to see 'what' came out of that room? Checking to see if I'm insane or suicidal... or homicidal maybe?"

–**f–**

_It was so unexpected.  
He kept looking to Cas for some help but he just stood there, cowardly behind Uriel, as that spineless asshole ordered him to go into the room… with Alastair, to torture him…_ like he did to all those souls in Hell. _He could do it, he knew he could… but he didn't want to. After how hard he'd worked to seal back all those memories and to start_ living _his life again… after everything that happened with Castiel giving him hope of_ something more.

_But that's just it. It was hope. Foolish, misguided and useless hope… You know what makes hope special though? Once it clings on, it doesn't let go. So he couldn't help himself when he asked Uriel to speak to Cas alone. He even allowed himself a_ little more hope_,_ _when the barbaric angel actually agreed to leave them alone. But as soon as he was left in the room with Castiel, all he wanted to do was cry when his bravado drained out of him_. He really didn't _want to do it._

"_Cas… I can't. Don't do this to me…"  
"Dean, I have no choice. You're our last hope. He won't tell us anything…"  
"Oh but of course he won't tell you anything!" He was getting extremely frustrated now. "You're just angels! Don't have it in you to MAKE him talk. So you get me! Dean bloody Winchester, the immoral human who tortured souls in the pit, guided by none other than the freaking monster in the next room, will do it for YOU. Because he CAN make him talk! Because I'm just as much of a monster, I don't have the moral compass YOU have. I'm not as INNOCENT…"  
"No Dean, I have faith in you and your moral integ-"  
"Oh spare me Cas! You of all people know how hard it's been! How can you make me do this? You know what will happen… I won't be able to… it will destr-"  
"For what it's worth, I'd give anything not to have you do this…"_

_Castiel was moving closer, probably to hug him, but he couldn't… Cas's arms were on the pathway to embracing him but Dean literally pushed him away._  
"Don't. _Just… don't."  
He was actively ignoring the brief look of hurt on the angel's face.  
"Dean, please… Uriel, he's bei-"  
"You're a coward! Can't stand up to your brother! Take a hint from Sam and learn to man the fuck up, Cas!"  
"Everyone is doubting me, Dean! I've put my reputation and my faith on the line, _for you. _And I would rebel _again, _I would. But we really, _I really, _need your hel-"  
"Stop. I've heard enough. Just know, that if I go in there… you won't like what comes out."_

_He could see Castiel moving towards him again but Dean turned around and stormed into the room to face Alastair, slamming the door in Cas's face. _

–**f– **

Cas was staring at him, wide-eyed, like he couldn't quite believe Dean said that – or maybe he couldn't quite believe his momentary look of pure hatred. Castiel seemed to be speechless but eventually he pulled his eyes away from Dean's face and down to his lap, removing the arm that was previously draped over the hunter's shoulders and starting to fiddle with the lapels of his coat.

"I… I wasn't actually trying to discover if you had changed. I never th-_"  
_Dean opened his mouth to retaliate again but, _fucking hell,_ Castiel actually held up one hand to silence him. His expression was kinda hurt… a mixture of angry and hurt, actually.  
"No. I will talk now and you will listen to my full reply, Dean Winchester." Cas continued before lowering his hand back to his lap. _Now it was Dean's turn to be stunned into silence._

"I never thought you would change. As I said before, I have full faith in your moral integrity - not only in the sense that I believed you would not be corrupted by this ordeal but I also thought you'd be able to recover from any stray memories and dark thoughts that might come your way should that happen. I also thought that… should you need help… to deal with 'things', I would be here for you, as I was before and have been ever since. I seem to have more faith in you than you think… and perhaps I thought I was a much better influence on you than what I actually am."

_And yeah, he deserved that._ He hadn't realised how much a few simple words had affected Cas… But clearly the angel was… _hurt?_ Well, he was 'something' because he'd actually just scooted a bit further away from Dean on the bench.  
"Cas… I didn't mean… I'm just… You know ho-_"_  
"I'm not finished, Dean._"  
_Dean held up both hands and nodded to Castiel enthusiastically. He had to find a way to fix the angel's mood fast because he didn't think he'd like Castiel much if he got any more pissed off than what he already was. _And he didn't want to lose Cas…_

The angel took a deep breath and kept going.  
"I was actually hoping to thank you and to seek forgiveness from you as well. I was too blind to see that the culprit was Uriel all along. I won't deny that my faith has been shaken by these events… but that's another matter entirely. I still wanted to thank you for… interrogating Alastair. And I would like to apologise for asking that of you, I know it must have been painful… and I'm sorry that you had to find out about your part in the breaking of the seals this way… and, of course, I apologise about not being there to protect you in time to prevent you being injured so severely. So, I'm here to see if you could forgive me for subjecting you to all this physical and emotional pain… but I guess I have already shattered my good image in your eyes."

Dean hadn't really thought about how Castiel might be feeling about Uriel being the one killing all the angels… his own brother. It hurt to see Sammy crossing a few moral lines with Ruby but it was not like his brother was out there killing angels or _anyone _/_anything_ that didn't deserve a one way ticket to hell.

He had to admit he was a bit ashamed of his lack of 'care'. When Sammy had told him about Uriel, just before another one of his falls into unconsciousness, he had hardly spared a kind thought towards Castiel…. He'd chosen to not _think _or _feel_ anything about it.

–**f– **

_He probably shouldn't have been doing it but he was playing with the chords that were plunged into his arms pumping God knows what into his bloodstream. There where three of them and Dean was so bored (and possibly a little bit high on painkillers) that he was actually trying to make a braid with the chords. Sam walked into the room and probably saved Dean from ripping out one of them. Immediately his brother gave him his 'concerned-about-you-but-still-disapproving-of-whatever-dumb-thing-you're-doing-right-now' bitch-face, closing the door to the room and sitting down on the bed facing him. _

"_How are you feeling? You're good, yeah? I can't stay long. Listen, I have news about this whole angel situation. Turns out the killer was Uriel. Can you believe that? I can't imagine how Cas must be feeling. I mean, the dude had to kill his own brother. Yeah, Bobby told me Uriel and Cas had a fight… I don't know, I guess Castiel must have told him. Speaking of the angel of Thursday, he's here like almost every minute of the day. I can't believe the nurses haven't caught him. I came in here yesterday when you were unconscious again and I found him praying or seeking 'revelation' or something. I don't think he even noticed I was here until I cleared my throat, which is unusual for him, you know? Do you think more angels are turning against us… against the good side I suppose? It must be killing Cas… I wonder if he talks to God? Do you think he talks to God?"_

_Dean was just staring at Sam wide-eyed. He had to process every word carefully to make sure he was getting the full meaning of the sentences because Sam was speaking_ really fucking fast. _You could always tell when Sam had hit a degree of emotional and physical stress that he couldn't quite handle - he starts speaking like a damn machine gun and starts getting little jitters like bouncing his foot constantly… which he was doing at the moment, pissing off Dean by making the bed jiggle annoyingly - _it was hurting his ribs, okay?

"_Sam… hey. Please, slow down. I don't even know what day it is, man. Took me like five minutes to realise I was in the hospital, and_ why _I'm in here, when I woke up this morning. So go easy on me, dude. Also, stop bouncing your foot, please." He took a deep breath, "as for Castiel… I could'-… I don't know…I mean…"  
Truth was that deep down, he wanted to wonder about Cas and how he was doing. He wanted to get a warm feeling from knowing that Castiel had been there everyday looking out for him… wanted to feel sad for the angel and furious at Uriel._ He wanted to allow himself to feel something towards Cas. _But he was too numb… or maybe angry? Or just too freaking high on painkillers to care. He kept telling himself that he didn't want to think about Cas, or seals, or demons, or angels or anything… so he didn't._

"_I don't know Sammy… I'm too tired. I want to go back to sleep."  
Sam put a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
"Maybe I should call the nurse? What if you go unconscious and not wake up for a day again?"  
"I'll be fine Sammy. I just want to sleep. Stay, will you? Until I fall asleep?  
Sam chuckled.  
"That's what I used to say to you when we were kids and dad wasn't home…"  
"Yeah… be the older brother for today, okay?"  
He placed his hand over Sam's and settled into his pillows as comfortably as possible. Sam just sighed._

_It didn't take long for the darkness to take him again. _

–**f– **

He was still staring at Cas five minutes after the angel had finished talking, still unable to come up with a suitable answer. What was he really angry about? Yeah, he had to face Alastair and be reminded of all the shit that he had to do in the pit. Yeah, he found out some pretty fucked up things about his role in the whole Seals thing. Yeah, he got his ass kicked. And yeah, he could say that it was all Castiel's fault. But there's two ways of looking at everything.  
1) Yes, he had to face Alastair, but he made it out alive and sane. He had hardly been affected by the encounter at all. Probably because he was too busy feeling hurt about Castiel.  
2) Yes, the whole Seals revelation was messed up and overwhelming – he still wasn't sure he'd be able to carry that responsibility… but he had Sam, Cas and Bobby to help him through whatever shit may come his way.  
3) Yes, he got his ass handed to him… but he wasn't _dead_.  
4) And yes, Castiel had asked him to do it… but bottom of the line, Dean still 'liked' Castiel and he would probably do it all again. Cas had asked for his help and it wasn't just because Uriel was ordering him… thinking back to it, he could see the despair in the angel's eyes - both because of the unsolvable deaths of his brothers and sisters and because of what he was asking from Dean. He had been too blind to see it then, but he was choosing to see it now.

He was so lost in thought that Castiel stood up, probably thinking that he wasn't going to answer.  
"I'll let you rest now…" The angel said.  
Immediately, Dean grabbed one of Castiel's sleeves before he could 'poof away' or something.  
"No, no. Hang on… I still… We still need to talk. I mean… there's still… _Just_ sit down, please… Cas."  
The angel sat down, but as far away from Dean as possible on the bench.

"Look Cas… I'm sorry. I'm sorry I snapped at you just then… and that day before the… interrogation. But most of all, I'm sorry I made you think that I didn't… that you don't matter to me. You know you do. I was just… stupid and irrational and very _human.._. I'd do it again, just so you know, the interrogation. If you asked me, I'd do it again. I mean, I'd rather not but… if you needed me… for you, I would. And I'm sorry about Uriel… It's one thing when your brother gets the hots for a sexy demon and an addiction for her blood, but it's something else entirely to have a brother killing others…" He chuckles nervously, "I guess maybe now I can help you a bit with _your_ problems for once. I've had my fair share of brother dramas…" He spluttered a bit, "but I mean, never anything this serious, obviously… I've never killed Sam. I shot him once but that was pure ACCIDENT, really, and he's fine, right? I'm rambling now… I'm sorry… I'm not good at these types of apology speeches… and you make me nervous. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry I made you even more… upset than what you must be already. I mean… I don't even know why you… care about me. I'm just… I'm just me. And you're… you're…"

Castiel stood up abruptly. Dean couldn't help but think that this was it. Castiel was going to leave now. It was bound to happen sooner or later... He was just Dean Winchester, a stupid hunter and Castiel was… _a freaking angel_. NOT human. Not weak or dishonest or irrational. He was just… as close to perfect as Dean had ever seen. He still couldn't help himself and he grabbed Cas's sleeve again.

"No, Cas. Stay… please? I'll make it up to you, I promise. I mean, I was angry at you, I was, but… s'okay now! You don't have to go. I'm sorry I made you upset… I… I… I need you…Cas."  
Much to Dean's relief, instead of leaving, Castiel simply sat down snugly against Dean  
"I wasn't leaving Dean… I was moving closer to you on the bench. Also, I appreciate your apology and I suppose it's accepted but… I was the one apologising to begin with. You still haven't specified wether or not you forgive me for… well, for everything."  
Only Cas would ask for clarification on forgiveness when it was more than obvious that Dean was pleading for _his_ pardon, clearly no longer upset with the angel.  
"Cas… yeah of course I forgive you! I mean… I said I wasn't upset anymore and that I was being irrational. Yeah… I forgive you. Obviously!"

Castiel simply nodded, a small smile on his lips.

While the angel gingerly placed his arm around Dean's shoulders again (and accidentally nudged a sore spot in his back), Dean realised that now, _with the 'apologising/forgiving' and 'pissed off angel' problems resolved_, he had time to ponder other things – _like why hadn't Castiel healed him of all the injuries in real life?_  
"Cas, I'm sorry to ask… I mean, I'm just wondering… Why haven't you… 'healed' me of all my injuries? You can do that, can't you? You've done it before…"  
"Yes, I have to apologise for that as well. I seem to be missing certain… 'powers'? 'Abilities'? However you want to refer to them. I don't know if it was from my mental and physical fatigue from the week's events or if it was some sort of repercussion of killing one of my own… I don't know, I've never killed another angel before…"

Castiel dropped his head again and Dean felt a little guilty for bringing up that painful memory, even if unintentionally. Eager to lighten the mood again, he snuggled a little closer to Cas, slipping one hand over his stomach and under his trench coat to wrap around his back. Then he layed his head on the angel's chest, sighing contently.  
"Cas… you have a heartbeat? I never noticed…"  
"My vessel has a heartbeat, yes."  
"Does it respond to your emotions? Like, if you're excited it beats faster?"  
"Yes, all bodily responses are the same. In all ways except spiritual I am a human in this vessel. My spiritual side provides me with my abilities. Think of it like this – you have a soul. This vessel, has both a soul _and _me. The soul is dormant, I occupy this vessel now… with the soul's permission of course."  
"That's fascinating…"  
"Is it really?"  
"Well it's just that… Demons don't have heartbeats."  
"Yes well, I'm not a demon. Clearly."  
"Thank God for that..."  
"Yes, exactly."

He couldn't help it, Dean chuckled at the literal way in which Cas had taken that statement… then he noticed how the angel's heartbeat got just slightly faster over the next few seconds.  
"Your heartbeat just got a little faster… something you're not telling me?"  
"I… well, I enjoy your laugh."  
Dean looked up, and yeah, Cas was blushing just slightly. Dean didn't even care that he was probably sporting the stupidest grin on his face.

"Dean… I… could we… I want to…kiss you again? Is that the right term?"  
_  
Oh that was unexpected_… there was nothing he would like to do more right now… but kissing Cas hadn't happened that many times and he didn't want to kiss the angel while in his current state. With the pain he was feeling from _everywhere_ in his body he wouldn't be able to enjoy it not even half as much.  
"Cas… I would. You know I would. I want to… but I wouldn't appreciate it… I'm in pain and I'm technically 'unconscious'. I guess I… I want to appreciate _all_ the times we kiss…"  
Castiel nodded quickly.  
"Yes, yes. I'm sorry. I should really be letting you rest and trying to regenerate my strength to heal you. I should leave now…"  
"But Cas… hang on." He held on to the angel a little tighter. "We'll…kiss and stuff, after I wake up and I'm healed and what not, I promise. But… on one condition – you have _got_ to stop saying 'I'm sorry'. I think we've done enough apologising for now. Okay?"  
"So… I'm not allowed to apologise until…? Until we kiss again?"  
Dean had to contain a burst of laughter because his ribs surely wouldn't have appreciated it.  
"If you want to put it that way, sure. Now go on… silly angel."  
Cas gave him a small smile before carefully disentangling himself from Dean and standing up.  
"Oh Cas, do something else for me? Please talk to Sam… he's really freaking out about everything…"

Castiel simply nodded.

**~r~**

He woke up in Bobby's leather sofa, whiskey and old spice filling his nostrils... smelled like home. Sam, Cas and Bobby were all standing above him. He was still in his hospital clothes but his injuries were all gone and he felt _fine_.

_Guess Castiel must have gotten all his angel mojo back._ Guess that meant they could get back to kissing now…

**A/N:** thanks for reading :) feedback, ideas, etc always welcome.


	6. Chapter 6: The Music and the Movies

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or its characters. copyright of CW & Kripke and all other rightful owners.  
**And an additional disclaimer:** "I Like My Body When it is With Your" belongs to E.E Cummings.

**a/n:** Re-written version of the original chapter I posted when I first began this story. Minor changes that don't affect the overall plot of the story. Thanks for reading/reviewing :)

**-DW-** signifies Dean's POV. **-SW-** signifies Sam's POV.

_Chapter 6 – The Music and the Movies_

**-SW-**

He shot Castiel square in the chest. The angel just looked down at his shirt while blood started to slowly dribble down, staining the pristine white of his shirt and even spilling over to his dirty trench-coat.

"Oh my God I am so sorry Cas!"  
In his defence, he wasn't expecting Castiel to be in their motel room when he returned from his… _meeting_ with Ruby. Dean had gone out to get some dinner and, being as fussy with his burgers as he was, it was going to take a good hour and a half until he found a take-away place he liked and came back with their food… so Sam had gone to meet Ruby.

When he came back to the motel, the impala was still not in the parking lot and Dean wasn't back yet. Sam was counting on coming back to an empty room... So when he walked in, his reflexes got the better of him and before he could realise that the intruder sitting on his brother's bed was in fact just Castiel, he had already drawn his gun and shot him.

The bullet slowly seeped out of Cas's chest. _Which was kinda gross to watch..._  
"It's okay, Sam. You were simply following your instincts. The wound will heal within the hour."  
"No, seriously Cas... I am so sorry. I know you heal but you still feel pain right? Dean is going to kill me…"  
"Pain is in the mind, you can tune it out if you want. Also, there's really no need to apologise. We're going through difficult times, you can never be too careful. I think a 'shoot first, ask questions later' approach is more than appropriate."

_Dean was going kill him when he gets here._ Doesn't matter if Cas was all blasé about it, Dean would get freaking pissed off that he just shot _his_ angel.  
Before he could freak out even more, Castiel interrupted his internal dilemma.  
"So, where is Dean? I was watching you and I lost track of his location… will he be back soon?"  
"Wait, what? You were _watching_ me? Me?"  
"I may be 'Dean's angel' as he likes to put it, but I keep watch over _both_ the Winchester brothers. I do believe that includes you too, Sam."  
"So you… watch me when I'm with Ruby? Like, always? Even when we're… having…you know…sex?"  
Cas gives him a classic _'oh gross, as if!'_ look and Sam would probably burst out laughing if he wasn't a little concerned about what the angel's answer might be.  
"I most certainly do not… watch you and Ruby… in that … _No_, Sam. I just check to see if you return to your brother safely."

Sam might have released a breath he didn't know he was holding. Something about an _angel_ watching him having sex with a _demon_ made the whole situation seem like… well like something _even_ worse than what it probably already was. He didn't know how he felt about Ruby and he didn't want to dwell on it. Unlike Dean, he was actually the one who would rather forget everything and ignore his feelings instead of analysing them and trying to figure them out. He only dealt with the essential – with what made him happy and what was absolutely relevant to whatever he was doing at any given moment.

"Ah, good. Good. I mean… yeah that's good. And thanks… for watching out for me. You probably don't have to… I thought _Dean _was your 'assignment'…"  
"Yes he is. But I figured it would make him happy to see his younger brother safe. Also, you _will_ play an important role in times to come – whatever Dean does, he won't be able to do it without you, Sam."

Sam just shuffled uncomfortably… he hoped he wouldn't let Dean down. Hoped that whatever his brother needed to do, he would be able to help him. _He was doing the right thing with Ruby… right? It would eventually help all of them…right?_

He didn't get much longer to ponder on his choices or to suffer Castiel's piercing gaze – like he _knew_ what Sam was thinking about… Dean burst into the room, holding enough bags of food to feed four people.

"I swear this place I found makes the best freaking pies dude!"  
His brother struggled to place all the bags in the small dining table whilst still oblivious to the people in the room. Once Dean finally looked up, it must have been a very strange scene before him – Castiel covered in his own blood and Sam holding a gun.

"Cas! What… Sam… what the hell happened?"  
You could see Dean was momentarily too stunned to actually move from his spot by the dining table. Sam wanted to explain, he did, but the words were caught in his throat – Dean was _already_ so, _so_ _angry_. What would he tell him? The whole truth? That he'd gone to meet Ruby and that he thought no one would be in the room? That he'd snuck away to be with a demon while his brother was gone? That would only make Dean even angrier...  
Thankfully, Castiel broke the silence.

"No need to worry Dean. I'm afraid I wasn't very tactful in my arrival. I stunned Sam as he was reading in his bed and your brother's impeccable reflexes got the better of him. It was my fault really."

_Okay, so it was official – Castiel was awesome. _Dean had visibly calmed down, but still far from relaxed.  
"Well, what the hell! Didn't you hear the wings?"

Sam was going to answer but his brother had already shifted his full attention to Cas. Walking over to the angel and examining the bullet that Castiel had collected from his wound. He was whispering something to Cas but Sam couldn't hear it. The angel said something in response and grabbed Dean's hand, stopping him from touching the gash the bullet had left in his chest. More whispering ensued from both sides.

They were so engrossed in each other that Sam was pretty sure he could strip naked right now and neither of them would notice. He didn't really know what was happening between Dean and Cas… All he knew was that his brother had never been happier. Sure, he was sulky and moody after what happened with Alastair but Cas had said, or done, something that restored Dean's good spirits. Whatever had developed between his brother and the angel wasn't for him to judge – who was he to disagree with something that was obviously beneficial to his brother. If Sam was sure of one thing, it was that Dean deserved a _freaking break_ from all the awfulness in his life. If that break was Castiel, then far be it for him to interrupt it.

He finally moved and stowed away his gun. He approached the table and rummaged the bags noting that Dean hadn't forgotten to bring his salad. He took it out from amidst the four, yes _four_, boxes of burgers and then unwrapped one of the pies and took a slice. Carefully wrapping it again and putting it back.

All the while, Dean and Cas were still talking in the corner – everything and everyone forgotten. Sam sat down in his bed and pulled his laptop over his legs. _Maybe he should do some research…_

**-DW-**

"Is that…is that the bullet? Jesus Cas, are you sure you're okay? You usually heal faster than this?"  
"I'm fine, Dean. I'm just tired and… 'run down'. Is that the right expression?"  
"Yeah, it is. Let me see the hole."  
He moved to push Cas's shirt away and peek at the injury but the angel grabbed his wrist gently before he could touch him.  
"Don't, it's fine. Really, Dean…. There's nothing to worry about."  
"But you're not healing, Cas! You're still bleeding!"  
"I don't have enough energy to heal instantly… give it some time. I didn't come to see you so that we could waste what little time I have fussing over a small wound."  
"It's not small and I don't... _fuss_. Sam fusses... not me. I don't want to spend our time worrying about this either so just let me clean it… and can we _please_ get you changed so I don't have to keep looking at all this blood?"

He didn't give Cas time to answer, just took hold of the hand grabbing his wrist and dragged the angel towards the toilet. Dean knew he wasn't really 'dragging' Castiel anywhere, Cas was five times stronger than he. But it was… _nice_ to know that the angel still allowed him to at least feel like he was pulling him along.

They entered the toilet and Dean closed the door, but not before noting that Sam had helped himself to dinner and was sitting in his bed staring at his computer whilst eating. He spared a small smile for his brother – always doing research… always choosing to eat the _damn_ salad instead of the burgers. It didn't stop Dean from buying two extra burgers for him every time… Dean would never eat four burgers - it was mean to be two for him and two for Sam but his gigantic brother always ate the salad.

When he turned around Castiel was staring at himself in the mirror. He walked to stand behind the angel and their eyes met briefly before Cas went back to examining his face.  
"Is my vessel… handsome, Dean?"  
That took Dean by surprise… it was the last thing he expected Cas to ask him. He didn't know anything about the angel's vessel – just that it was a man who had prayed for this and said yes to Castiel's request. And then Cas had said that the man's soul was dormant... asleep. Replaced by his grace.

He couldn't picture this body as anyone but Castiel. So yeah… the angel was handsome. Dean had never really payed any attention to other men's appearance. With some guys, you just knew – like his brother. After seeing his brother get hit-on a million times he pretty much got the idea that his brother was handsome. And Castiel… he had nice lips and strong shoulders and defined arms but… delicate hands. His eyes were beautiful and the way his forehead crinkled when he was confused was beyond adorable. And his hair… Dean just wanted to ruffle it and run his hands all over it. These were features that were so distinctly masculine yet Dean couldn't bring himself to care. Castiel _was_ handsome. To him at least… and that's all that mattered. Why Cas was even worrying about this to begin with was the real question.  
"You're handsome to me, Cas…"  
The angel nodded slowly and still wouldn't meet Dean's eyes.  
"Why are you asking me this? Is everything okay…?"  
Cas turned away from the mirror then, and pulled himself onto the counter, head cast down and fiddling with lapels of his coat.  
"I just… they don't write many songs or make many movies about men liking men do they? I have been observing humans more closely… trying to learn so that I won't feel… inadequate for you… A reoccurring theme in all music is the physical appearance of… women. So I turned to movies but they were of little help too."  
Dean wasn't sure whether to be amused, touched or just plain confused by how much Cas had been influenced by whatever he 'observed'. He pushed some things off the counter and sat himself next to the angel, taking a deep breath and deciding to take his response one point at a time.

"You're not a man, Cas… you're an angel. How do the other angels feel about a human and an angel? Is it completely accepted by everyone?"  
Castiel looked at him with that exact adorable 'I don't understand' frown.  
"…No. Some frown upon it."  
"Yes, exactly. Some humans… 'frown upon' men liking men. I bet the angels don't sing hymns about humans and angels being in love do they?"  
"I guess not…"  
"Right, so it's the same thing with movies. It's changing though... I mean, more people are _not_ 'frowning upon' it… if that makes sense. But, it doesn't matter – it doesn't matter what anyone or any angels think, okay?"  
Cas looked at him with a pleading look.  
"What you and I think is the only thing that matters… right?" The angel asked.  
It sounded suspiciously like Castiel was seeking some sort of acceptance – a guarantee that Dean would like him no matter what.  
"Yup, exactly! And maybe… Sam and Bobby. But they'll like it 'cause I say so and they'll deal with it, okay?"  
He took that moment to wrap an arm around Cas's shoulders and the angel immediately shuffled closer to Dean.  
"Also… you could never be 'inadequate' for me. If anything, it's the other way around. Actually… you know what? We're both misfits who fit with each other… we both have no idea what to do or how to deal with what we feel so we'll figure it out together. Yeah, you know even less than me, but you're a quick learner, right?"  
He flashed Castiel a crooked smile that would hopefully ease some of the angel's tension, and sure enough Cas gave him a small smile in return and relaxed even further into Dean's embrace. He couldn't help the sudden urge to kiss the angel's temple that was now resting against his cheek – so he did.  
"Screw the music and the movies… we have each other, Cas."  
Castiel nodded slightly and actually sighed. Dean didn't think he'd ever seen the angel that tired before… that 'run down'.

He jumped off the couch and stood in front of Cas, between his legs.  
"Alright, lets get you cleaned up and changed out of these clothes. It reeks of blood."  
The air all around him was inundated with a copper undertone. He could even taste it in the back of his throat. Castiel watched Dean as he took off his trench-coat and started to unbutton his shirt – looking more vulnerable and lost than Dean had ever seen him. _What was going on that had Cas so weak and frail? _He wanted to ask but felt like tonight they could both have a break from the outside world and just be with each other.

"I found a book, a poem…" Castiel said suddenly just as Dean had finished taking off his shirt. "And I believe someone managed to put into words what I feel when I'm around you… Do you want to hear it?"  
"Yeah… I mean, of course."  
He was gently cleaning away all the blood but he stopped to kiss Cas softly on the lips.  
Dean didn't used to do that often… just approach the angel and kiss him whenever he wanted. But he found himself doing it more and more lately. He was feeling infinitely more comfortable with his feelings for Cas. In fact, he kinda wished the angel would do it too… kiss him spontaneously. But Castiel still wouldn't touch him or kiss him unless Dean initiated it.

He went back to cleaning the blood with a wet towel and Cas cleared his throath.  
"I like my body when it is with your body… It is so quite new a thing. Muscles better and nerves more…. I like your body. I like what it does, I like its hows. I like to feel the spine of your body and its bones, and the trembling-firm-smoothness and which I will again and again and again kiss… I like kissing this and that of you…"

If it were anyone else, Dean would have burst out laughing that someone was reciting romantic poems to him but now he could do nothing but stand there, frozen in place, stunned by how beautiful those words sounded coming from Castiel. He dropped the towel and kissed the angel – this time much harder. Cas's hands went to his hips and instinctively brought him closer, he even tightened his legs around Dean's torso as if to get him as close as possible. Soon enough, Dean had his hands buried in Castiel's hair and then trailing along his bare shoulders. There was urgency in their kisses, a battle to show who wanted it the most. Dean practically moaned when Cas moved his hands to the collar of his shirt, breaking the kiss to instead nip and lick at each new patch of skin revealed as he undid the buttons one by one.

Castiel was slowly rocking his hips, seeking out Dean's, so he moved his hands to the angel's hips and brought them together. They both moaned rather loudly at the contact – forgetting and frankly not caring that Sam was in the next room.

Dean was momentarily too overcome by heat and pleasure to notice that Cas was whispering the poem again, between kisses. The angel slipped his open shirt off his shoulders and just stared at Dean, both their breathing already heavy.

Castiel placed his hand on that special place in Dean's arm and leaned forward to press their lips together, this time slow and careful… full of unspoken emotion.

He broke the kiss and whispered again.  
_"I like my body when it is with your body"_

**a/n:** lol who cares about Sam in the other room. Not me. Thanks for reading :) send some feedback/suggestions if you'd like to!


	7. Chapter 7: We really shouldn't go inside

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or its characters. copyright of CW & Kripke and all other rightful owners.

**a/n:** Last chapter that is a re-written version of the original chapter I posted when I first began this story. Seems to be almost 4000 words worth of Dean and Cas and Touching. Plus Sam POV at the end.

**-DW-** signifies Dean's POV. **-SW-** signifies Sam's POV.

_Chapter 7 – We really shouldn't go inside Bobby…_

One year ago, if you'd told Dean Winchester that there would come a night when he'd be laying in bed, half naked and panting… _with another man_, he might have possibly laughed his ass off and then tried to perform an exorcism on whatever demon must have possessed you and made you say such a preposterous thing. On the other hand, if you'd told him he'd be laying in bed, half naked and panting… _with a male angel_, he'd probably have connected his fist with your face _and then_ pissed himself laughing 'cause you'd have to be just _insane_ to say that.

As it turns out, both those statements turned out to be true. And as it turns out, Dean was perfectly 'a-okay' with that.

_But that's getting ahead of the story…_

**-DW-**

Standing there, in the bathroom of his motel room - with Castiel's legs wrapped firmly around him, the angel's hand over his brand with the thumb stroking slow circles into the charred skin and their foreheads joined - Dean wasn't John and Mary's son, or Sam's brother, or the righteous man who shed blood in Hell… he was just Dean. Better yet, he was Castiel's Dean. And that made him immeasurably happy.

_Not to mention turned on._

They ceased kissing for a few seconds, Cas allowing Dean to feel the weight of his last words – _I like my body when it is your body_. In retrospect it was probably 'cheesy' but Dean liked it, _fuck_ he loved it to be honest. But now he was even more incredibly hard and his jeans were really tight, plus Castiel kept slowly rocking his hips against the hunter's and he hadn't stopped stroking his handprint - which had really proven to be a rather sensitive erogenous zone.

On top of that, Cas had obviously lost any shred of control when Dean had pressed their hips together the first time because he could feel the angel's arousal through his suit-pants and it did nothing to alleviate his own. He needed something_, anything,_ to happen soon – he just wasn't sure of '_what should happen'_. What was Castiel willing to do? More importantly, what was he himself _READY_ to do?

Cas undoubtedly felt Dean's inner turmoil because the hand that had been previously buried in the hunter's hair moved to caress his cheek – an action that meant to comfort but also to convey the angel's own uncertainty over the situation. After all – Cas had no fucking idea what to do. He was going to follow Dean and do whatever he was told.

"Dean?"  
"Fuck, Cas… I … I want…"

_Well, what did he want?_ Dean reckoned, first of all, that he wanted to get out of the bathroom because he'd be damned if he'd have his first… _experience_ with Cas in a goddamn toilet - but that posed the problem of his gigantor brother who was currently in the room. _So what now?_

He was snapped from his thoughts by Castiel who, much to Dean's surprise, thrust his hips forward impatiently – trying to spur Dean to do something other than stand there speechless.

"Dean?" The angel asked again, this time in a more desperate tone. He didn't wait for Dean's answer before he latched his mouth to the hunter's throat, just bellow the ear, sucking and licking slowly as if the angel was tasting his skin.

Dean moaned softly, he couldn't help it.  
"Cas… the room –" the angel rocked his hips again and Dean was just about ready to storm into the room and tell Sam to get the fuck out for the night.

Castiel seemed unconcerned with his brother's presence though, because he shoved Dean backwards, leaped off the counter, grabbed the hunter's hand and opened the door into the room before Dean had any chance to stop him.

"Cas stop! What about Sa-" The room was empty, his brother no where to be seen.  
"Sam is in the impala. I hope you don't mind." The angel answered casually.  
"But… how? Why?"  
"Because I told him to."  
"But you never left the bathroom! How…?"  
Castiel seemed to blush slightly and even shuffled a little, looking down at his feet.  
"Well, I didn't actually tell him…" He started uneasily. "I… made him go into the car… telepathically."

And if Dean didn't think he could get any more aroused he was sorely mistaken. He couldn't even help the wolfish grin that spread across his face.  
"I didn't know you could that… You're like Professor X except you're younger and hotter and you can walk."  
Predictably, Castiel tilted his head in that trademark way – which, again, did nothing to quench his raging hard-on.  
"Professor X? I don't know who that is…"

Deciding that this was _definitely_ not the time to discuss 'The X-Men', Dean simply slipped his arm around Cas's waist and kissed him softly until the angel responded by shuffling closer into his embrace, never dropping the hand he was holding, and parting his lips to deepen the kiss.

When they finally broke apart, Castiel's lips becoming deliciously swollen, Dean decided to start tugging the angel towards his more than inviting bed. He still didn't know 'what' they would do, but he felt that moving to the bed was the next logical step.

"Sam won't come in... Will he?" He just _had_ to make sure.  
"Not until I leave… I promise." Cas answered, squeezing the hand he was still holding reassuringly.

They reached the bed and Dean felt lost again. Castiel was gazing at him expectantly and it made him feel like somehow he was letting the angel down because he had no clue what to do next. He pressed a kiss to the base of Cas's neck, where his exquisitely defined collarbones met.

"I don't know what to do…" He admitted quietly.

Castiel simply took hold of his other hand and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. Dean sighed, closing his eyes and immediately feeling the feather light kisses the angel was laying on his closed eyelids. He shivered slightly, overwhelmed by the intimacy of the gesture.

Cas continued to kiss him, travelling from the bridge of his nose down to meet the hunter's warm soft lips that parted almost immediately allowing their tongues to meet in a slow sensuous rhythm that resembled some exotic passionate dance. When the angel finally pulled away with a last peck, Dean was positively sure that had been the most amazing kiss he had ever had.

"I like kissing you…" Castiel whispered before planting a soft kiss on Dean's nose tip. "I don't know what to do either…" He continued, "but if you'd let me, I'd like to try doing what I think I'll enjoy… and you too, of course."

Castiel could have been making a business proposal if it wasn't for the fact that his whisper had been hoarse and full of unsatisfied desire with a hint of pleading and uncertainty.

Dean was so taken aback by the angel's suggestion that he had to actively force his mouth to speak.  
"What do you want to… to do?"  
Castiel's response was blunt and this time free of any doubt.  
"I want what happened in your dream… I want that burst of feeling for you and me."

Dean nodded slightly and with one final peck on the lips, Castiel edged him down onto the bed, following the hunter as he shifted up towards the headboard and under the covers.

_Yeah, okay. He could this._ Dean thought. If Cas was going to recreate his dream then that meant that sometime before the end of the night he would have Castiel's slender hand wrapped around his cock and he was _more than okay_ with that notion. It also meant that the same would have to be true for _his hand_ and although the prospect made him slightly nervous, Dean found that above all he _really_ wanted to try it – to finally give Cas that 'burst of feeling' that had been driving the angel insane. He tried to recall every little detail of his dream because he had a feeling that Castiel remembered the whole thing and Dean was determined to make it even better.

He was interrupted from his thoughts as the angel leaned forward and slowly intertwined their legs while his hand trailed over Dean's torso – feeling one, two scars and eventually a firm nipple, causing Dean to whimper slightly… goose bumps of anticipation forming along the path of the angel's hand. Castiel traced his chest carefully, using his index finger to rub and tease each tight nub before lightly squeezing – acting purely on instinct and absorbing Dean's reactions with fascination. Dean, for his part, was openly moaning and squirming under the angel's hands. Deciding to be a little bolder himself, the hunter reached up with the hand that wasn't currently gripping a handful of Cas's hair between his fingers and mimicked the angel's teasing on his own chest. Castiel's sharp intake of breath and slight shiver were delicious to witness and the angel's accidental nudge of Dean's painfully confined arousal with his knee reminded Dean that he _really needed to get out of his jeans. _

"Cas…" He pleaded as the angel kissed him exactly where he had kissed him earlier at the base of the neck. He nearly came undone when Castiel's response was a husky "Yes Dean?" whispered right into his ear, positively dripping with unspoken want. _Who knew Castiel was even capable of reducing Dean to a begging, wanting and so painfully aroused shade of his former confident self._

"I need to take off my jeans… I can't anymore… I can't…" His hand slid down Cas's chest and then inched towards his waistband but the angel grabbed a hold of Dean's hand, replacing it with his own before carefully undoing the button and sliding down the zipper – effectively and _finally_ freeing Dean's straining erection from the unforgiving confines of his jeans.

Cas started to tug the offending garment down his hips but not before capturing Dean's lips in a searing kiss, his tongue immediately thrusting inside and beginning a decadent tangle with his own. By the time Castiel had tugged his jeans down and he'd kicked them off the rest of the way, Dean was pretty much fantasizing about how mischievous the angel's tongue could get when applied to… say, his dick.

_He really had to hold off these kinds of thoughts if he wanted to last much longer. _

Basically, this is how Dean Winchester came to be laying in a bed, half naked and breathless from their previous kiss, with Castiel, Angel of Thursday, gazing at him through long, thick eyelashes with the intensity of 1000 suns. _It was perfect. He wouldn't change a single thing about this moment._

Dean cradled Cas's face and pulled him down for another kiss, much softer and slower. Subconsciously trying to convey emotions he wasn't even aware he was feeling yet. Soon after, he became completely lost in the feeling of the angel's tongue stroking along the path of his collarbones and up the line of his throat, licking and sucking a warm trail which rapidly cooled on his skin leaving goose bumps in its wake.

Then, much like the first time Cas had really _touched_ him, the angel ran tentative fingertips over his protruding erection through the fabric of his underwear. Instead of panicking like before, this time Dean moaned from deep within his chest and bucked his hips forward searching for more.

_Shit_, he was so hard he needed Cas to rip out his underwear _now_ and just _touch him _already! But the angel seemed determined to explore every inch of his chest with his mouth – having covered one, then the other, nipple with his mouth, licking and sucking with a devilish rhythm. Dean couldn't take it any longer. Cas's warm mouth wreaking havoc on his skin and his teasingly light touches were driving him insane. The only sentence he could formulate was a strangled plea consisting of Cas's name and a chorus of 'please', which he practically whimpered out.

He continued to plea until the angel's mouth's path of warm, wet torture reached his belly button, until his soft touches evolved to punishingly harder presses and until _finally_ Cas hooked two fingers under the waistband of his underwear…

And then the angel stopped and looked up at Dean, doubt flickering across his flushed face.

"I… I don't know how to. I mean… I saw it in your dream… I saw myself doing it but I'm not sure… how…"  
Dean trailed his hands across the angel's smooth shoulders and down his toned back reassuringly.  
"It's okay… I'll just, I'll tell you how… I'll tell you. Unless… well, I could do it first…" _After all, how different could it be from doing it to yourself? Only slightly… right…?  
_"No… I'll go first." Cas replied as he slowly pulled his underwear down.

Dean could have screamed for joy. His sensitive cock was fevered and pleading for release and now the thin layer of his cotton underwear was finally removed, his straining erection already gleaming with a droplet of pre-cum – which Cas was staring at with rapt fascination. Then, without instruction, the angel smeared it over the head of Dean's cock with his finger, as if testing the texture of the glistening substance. Dean just threw his head back and released a rather shamefully loud moan.

Deciding that he was far too gone to coherently 'tell' Cas _what to do_, Dean cupped the angel's hand and guided it until both hands were wrapped around his arousal. He looked up at Cas and found the angel smiling, just a small smile, before he leaned forward a kissed the hunter again. Dean nudged Cas's hand into motion and set up a steady rhythm before becoming too overwhelmed and simply burying both his hands in the angel's hair.

Praise must be given with it's merited and _fuck, Castiel was a fast learner._ His strokes were firm, but not too hard, and he'd even picked up on Dean's little twist on the upstroke when he was guiding their hands. He soon realised that putting more pressure on the underside warranted a huge reaction from Dean and some pressure on the head always resulted in his hair getting pulled. Dean was reacting subconsciously but Castiel was absorbing it all. _Not that Dean was complaining… no, not at ALL._ He was unashamedly thrusting his hips and even though the angel's other hand was resting on his hip Castiel didn't stop him.

Dean was beyond coherent thinking, let alone coherent speaking – or in this case, pleading and moaning. It was an effort even to keep his eyes open and stare at Cas… Castiel… _his angel's_ hand wrapped around his cock stroking with an expertise that should have been born from practise but actually came from the angel's own intuition. He _had _to look – just to make sure it was really happening. _And it seriously was._

Cas started trailing his free hand upwards along his chest and to his shoulder and it was like every nerve in Dean's whole body stood awake and expectant.  
"Yes, Cas… do it… Please…" He pleaded.  
Dean's body started trembling in anticipation even before the angel's hand reached his handprint, his orgasm was barely contained but still pending as if his body was waiting for that moment. When Cas finally settled his hand over it… it was like nothing else in the world mattered. Nothing that had happened before had any meaning. Dean's whole existence was centred on that one touch. The feeling was overwhelming, blinding… uncontrollable.

Castiel crashed their lips together, maybe because Dean had been screaming his release in the form of a litany of curses and ungodly filthy words, or maybe because he felt like kissing him… Either way, when the kiss finally broke and some of his power to actually _exist and think_ had returned, Dean opened his eyes as Castiel dropped his forehead onto his shoulder. His vision was blurry and he was lightheaded. He could only focus on Cas's lips as he planted butterfly kisses on his collarbone, the rapidly cooling sticky mess in his stomach and the angel's hips… how they were slowly rocking against his leg.

It seemed like an eternity went by until his breathing slowed and his heart returned to its normal rhythm. He blinked until his vision cleared and his mind returned to somewhat normal functioning. Then he held onto Cas tighter, stroking his neck gently as the angel seemed to be composing himself as well. It was only then that he realised that his thigh was slightly wet and that Castiel looked as overcome with pleasure has Dean felt...

_Was it possible that… did Cas…?_

"Cas…?" _Wow_, his voice was raspy and raw. He had definitely screamed _something _rather loudly.  
"Cas did you…?"  
The angel stilled all his movements; he even seemed to cease breathing.  
Finally, he spoke.  
"I did… whatever that was… I did. It felt… extraordinary. I can't… It was…"  
"Fucking amazing?" Dean suggested, a small smile spreading across his lips.  
"Exquisite…" The angel replied, returning the smile.  
"Exquisite? Really? I was gonna go with 'mind-blowing' or maybe like… earth shattering…"  
"The earth isn't shattered and neither of our minds is blown…"  
"Well mine kinda is… I felt like I was going to pass out for a second…" 

He was trying to keep the conversation light but there was no denying that what happened had been so much more than just a hand job. As he slowly regained full consciousness, Dean remembered how Cas had started rocking his hips against his thigh, how he was using the hunter's own thrusts as more friction, more contact.

_But it was the moment when the angel finally touched his hand-print that undid them both… _

He briefly wondered if the reason why his orgasm was so inexplicably overwhelming was because he wasn't feeling just _his_ climax but because he was feeling Cas's too. It was crazy enough to be true. Castiel had said there was bond so maybe it extended to this…

"Cas…did we… _connect?"_  
For once, Castiel seemed unsure, like he had been contemplating the possibility as well.  
"I…believe so. I can usually sense your emotions through our bond…maybe when I touched my… your… _the scar,_ it amplified the connection…"  
Dean sighted, nuzzling Cas's neck.  
"I think we did… I've never felt like that before…"

They settled under the covers, Castiel squirming uncomfortably because of the stickiness in his pants before deciding to 'mojo' his pants away, leaving him only in underwear that he miraculously cleaned along with Dean's stomach and his own hand. Dean slipped is own underwear back on before settling on his back, Cas resting his head on his shoulder.

He was far too satisfied to feel disappointed about not being able to see and feel Cas as well. Quite the contrary, he was already planning how they could do it simultaneously next time and then Cas would touch his hand-print and '_bam'_, _double_ orgasm that would feel _even_ better. Somehow he had a feeling Castiel knew exactly was he was thinking about – _not that his stupid sheepish grin didn't give it away or anything. _He didn't care really care though… plus, Cas was smiling sheepishly too.

Dean was happy, calm and relaxed and he drifted off to sleep with Castiel's warm body pressed into his, the angel's hand tracing absent patterns on his stomach. _It was perfect… Dean loved it._

Unsurprisingly, he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

**-SW-**

Sam woke up to a pounding sound. Looking around disoriented for a few seconds, he soon realised that he was cramped into the backseat of the impala – so uncomfortable it felt like he might have broken a few vertebrae in his neck.

There was light streaming through the windows and when his vision cleared enough he could just make out the outline of Bobby.

_Ahh Bobby._  
Bobby who was meant to meet them this morning to discuss something about… a case or whatever.  
Bobby who was staring at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world for trying to fit in the backseat of the impala.  
Bobby who was actually mouthing the word 'idjit' and shaking his head.

_But really,_ why was he sleeping in the impala? The last thing he remembered from the previous night was… eating. Yeah, that's right... eating. And researching. Dean was… in the bathroom with… _Oh God_ that's right – he shot Castiel and Dean flipped out but then… _How did he get to be in the impala?_

He gingerly stepped out of the car, stretching as Bobby cringed at the sound of almost every bone in his body cracking.  
"What the hell were you doing sleeping out here?" Bobby asked.  
"I… I don't know."  
"Where's your brother?"  
"Inside… in the room"  
It was so strange… He knew for a fact that Dean was in the room and that nothing bad had happened last night. Everyone was safe. And yet, he'd been sleeping in the impala… somehow.  
"Well, let's get inside then! What's gotten into you?"  
The hairs at the back of his neck stood up and it was like his whole body went into _alert_ mode when Bobby said to go inside.  
"Bobby I don't… I don't think we should go inside."  
"Why? Sam, is your brother okay! Where you attacked! Is the-"  
"No. No, nothing like that. It's just…"  
"Does he have a girl in there?"  
"No… no. But, I don't think we're meant to go inside…"

_Castiel_… It was like somewhere in his subconscious Castiel was warding him away. _That's so fucking bizarre Sam... What the hell. Pull yourself together._

Except he really didn't feel like going in.

"Well screw that. We have to talk." Bobby said as he snatched the room keys, which had been tucked into the side of the car door – not that Sam had noticed until now – slammed it shut and started towards the room.  
"Bobby no. I'm serious…"  
Bobby reached for the door knob and slid the key inside.  
"Seriously Bobby I don't think we should be going in…"

And then Bobby opened the door…

_HOLY HELL that… that was…  
His brother half-naked sleeping with an equally underdressed Castiel wrapped around him._

Naked. Sleeping. Castiel. Dean.

HOLY. FUCKING. HELL.

**a/n:** Again, hope you enjoyed that. Please give feedback (whether good or bad) and suggestions etc. Thanks again :)


	8. Chapter 8: Why are you so nervous?

**:** I do not own Supernatural or its characters. copyright of CW & Kripke and all other rightful owners.

**a/n:** EVERY chapter posted previously has been re-written. There are minor changes but they don't affect the overall story. Hopefully I picked up on all the tense changes/grammar/spelling/etc. anyway, new chapter, yay :) Enjoy!

**-DW-** signifies Dean's POV. **-SW-** signifies Sam's POV. Also, for the purpose of this story, let's just say that Jensen Ackles's impossibly beautiful eyes are simply 'green' and Misha Collin's eyes are simply 'blue'.

_Chapter 8: "Why are you... so... nervous?"_

**-SW-**

Bobby couldn't close the door of the room fast enough.  
He even tripped down the second step of the porch leading up to the motel room, stumbling and twisting his ankle, letting out a painful "shit!" along the way. THAT's how fast he got away from the scene in front of him. Dean and Castiel... in bed. To be quite honest, Sam couldn't get away fast enough either, although he did it with a little more grace.

He unlocked the impala so Bobby could sit down and rub his ankle.

"Holy... what the hell Sam! Why didn't you say anything!"  
"I... I didn't know." Sam said meekly.  
"What the hell did I just see in there boy?"  
"I don't know... I mean, I'm not sur–"  
"Did you know this was going on? Whatever 'this' is.."  
"No. I mean, maybe. I wasn't sure. Cas... he said some stuff but I didn't think Dean would–"

His older brother chose that moment to stumble out of the bedroom, still slipping a t-shirt on.  
"Didn't think Dean would what?"

**-DW-**

He was awoken by the sound of a door slamming. Startled by the noise he tried to sit up, momentarily forgetting about the angel that was, surprisingly, still sound asleep on his chest, limbs tangled and drooling just a little bit.

It was cute... _except Dean Winchester didn't use words like 'cute', no sir._

Still, he got the pleasure of watching Castiel wake up; he didn't even know the angel could sleep like humans. Dean watched in wonder at how Cas's heartbeat got a little stronger as he stretched and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Eventually, blue eyes met green and Cas smiled. He actually smiled.

"Sam and Bobby are outside…" The angel said suddenly.  
"What?" Oh right, the door slamming. The whole reason he woke up in the first place. "Shit... Shit! They were in here, I heard the door slam."  
Castiel frowned.  
"Sam wasn't supposed to be able to come into the room until I left..." The angel said before untangling himself from Dean and finally wiping the drool from his chin and the hunter's chest, looking up at him apologetically.  
Dean completely missed the moment, though.  
"It must have been Bobby that opened door... fuck. Fuck!"

He stood up, tripping over the sheets before struggling to find his pants and put them on. Castiel was still watching him from the bed.  
"Dean why are you... so... nervous?"  
"I'm freaking out Cas. That's how you say it, 'freaking out'."  
"Okay, but why?"  
"Because they... because..."

_Okay, so why was he freaking out?_ Bobby and Sam saw them in bed. But so what? Sam probably already suspected 'something' was going on... regardless, he was planning on telling them soon anyway, wasn't he?

So... there was really nothing to freak out about. _Right, relax Winchester. _

"Okay, sorry. I'm not freaking out anymore. I was but… it's fine now. I'm fine... Hi Cas, good morning." He finally said, smiling at the angel.  
Castiel smiled back.  
"Hello Dean... Is now an appropriate time to tell you that whilst you may not be... 'freaking out' anymore, I think Sam and Bobby are. Also I think Bobby is hurt."  
"Huh?" Dean moved to look out the window and sure enough Sam was standing over Bobby while the older man was sitting in the impala, rubbing at his ankle. Sam looked like he was trying to say something but kept stuttering over the words.

He turned back around to go get his shirt, but instead collided with Cas, who was standing behind him looking out the window too, already dressed and holding the hunter's t-shirt. Dean took the offered garment.  
"How did you get dressed– actually never mind, whatever, thanks." He said, smiling at the angel before opening the door and stepping outside.

Sam was speaking.  
"Cas... he said some stuff but I didn't think Dean would–"  
"Didn't think Dean would what?"

Honestly, he kind of enjoyed watching Sam squirm a little, not knowing what to say.

Bobby was a little more straightforward though.  
"Son what the hell is going on with you and Castiel?"  
"I uh... we..." Dean looked back at the door, noticing Cas had stepped out too and was standing barely a meter behind him. He couldn't read the expression in the angel's face but Cas's eyes had an intensity in them that somehow gave Dean the courage to say what he wanted.  
"We're together. I mean...I like Cas. He likes me–"  
"I do." Cas interrupted. Almost like he had to make sure everyone knew that he did in fact like Dean. He felt a bit embarrassed that his cheeks flushed a little at the angel's comment.  
"Yeah so...we're, you know, a thing."  
"Your 'boyfriends'?" Sam said. Surprisingly he had what Dean liked to call his 'amused bitch-face' on – which meant that he was already thinking about how many jokes he could make with the current situation. It was a good 'bitch-face', Dean liked this one. It meant that at least Sam was okay with him and Cas.  
"Uh... yeah. Yes, we're boyfriends."

"That's all good and fine except Castiel is an angel. And you're both... male. Isn't at least one of those facts against some 'rule' or another in Heaven?" Bobby asked.  
Dean opened his mouth to speak but Cas spoke first.  
"Contrary to popular belief, God is impartial to sexual preference. Beings of Heaven, such as angels, have been known to have 'same-sex' relationships for centuries. In fact, the gender of angels is fluid. We can be both male and/or female if we want. It's only when we take a vessel that we are really forced to choose."

Roughly _a million_ questions popped into Dean's head about Cas's so called 'fluid gender' but it was neither the time nor place to ask that. _He sure made a mental note to ask, though._

"Okay. Fine. So how about the fact that Dean here is human and you're, well, not?" Bobby questioned again.  
"Well... that is for me to deal with. Whatever happens I can assure you this will bring no harm to Dean."  
"What about 'harm' to you?" Dean asked before he could stop himself.  
"You... don't have to worry about that either." Cas answered, but he looked away from Dean – it sounded and looked too much like a lie.

Dean made a note to talk about that too_. The conversation was not over_.

"Right okay, well... okay. I guess." Bobby said, wincing as he resumed massaging his ankle. He definitely didn't look convinced. His mood improved a little, however, when Cas kneeled in front of him and healed his ankle.

Dean was lost in thought and thus was a little startled when Sam put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. His brother leaned in, nice and close, and whispered "You're still barefoot…" in his ear before chuckling and walking up the stairs to their room. Dean could only stare at his brother's back… stunned. That was the most comforting gesture Sam had made towards him in months. _For that brief moment his little brother shone through. _

Bobby stood up as well to go inside, leaving only Dean and Cas outside. The angel was looking at him like he wanted to ask something.  
"What?" Dean asked, taking hold of his hand and pulling the angel a little closer.  
"Nothing. I was just… nothing. It's fine."  
"Come on, tell me, Cas."  
"Well, does it bother you that I'm an angel? What do you like about me... physically?"

Okay that was a good question. One that Dean hadn't really thought about. Castiel was physically beautiful to him. His lips, his eyes, his hair, how his shoulders were just wide enough, the soft but defined muscles in his torso, his smooth skin, his stubble, his voice... even the way he smelled.

_But that wasn't Cas._ That was his vessel. So… who was he physically attracted to?

The angel was staring at him like he already knew what Dean's train of thought would be.  
"You don't know what I look like, Dean. You're physically attracted to my vessel, not me. His name is Jimmy Novak by the way. The only thing that is mine in this body is my voice. Even that is still not my true voice, you know what that really sounds like, it's just a shade of it. So, truthfully, you're not really attracted to me at all…"

Dean pondered the angel's words. If he wanted to think about their 'relationship' in such 'black and white terms' then the actual truth would be that he wasn't attracted to neither Cas nor his vessel; because, really, Cas's vessel was a guy and never had Dean Winchester even _looked_ at another man the way he looked at Castiel. Thing is, Dean had developed feelings for _Castiel_, the angel, before he became attracted to Jimmy Novak, the vessel. When he needed someone, Castiel was there. It felt like he had spent more time with Cas over the last few months than he had with Sam. Castiel was his friend, his life source really, before he became his… well, 'boyfriend'. So really, when someone, or something, was as beautiful as Cas 'on the inside', then Dean really couldn't give a flying fuck about what he was like 'on the outside'.

"Cas, looks aren't everything... You seriously don't know how clichéd that sounds but in this case it's really appropriate. I think that… for the first time in my life, if I'm being completely honest, I like someone based more on who they are than what they look like. Although… that should be pretty obvious considering, well, you're a guy and I still like you… That little fact didn't stop me from liking you in the first place. Just… stop worrying Cas. I'm not suddenly going to realize that you're an angel and run away from you because I'm overwhelmed or because I think I made a mistake or something. Everything is okay. Really… everything is just fine."

He smiled at Cas in what he hoped was a reassuring way. Sure enough, the angel shuffled closer, slipping his arms around Dean's waist and laying his head on the hunter's shoulder. Dean returned the hug right away, kissing the angel's temple.

"Hey. Hey, look at me." He said. As soon as Cas looked up, Dean kissed him. There was that little moment of surprise when Cas didn't respond but eventually the angel cradled Dean's face and kissed back. Hard. It was an almost desperate kiss.

"For the record though, your voice is incredibly sexy." Dean whispered once they broke apart. He marveled at Castiel's answering chuckle.

"Are you two idjits going to stand there and suck each other's face off all day or are you gonna come inside and talk about that little thing that may or may not happen soon… you know, the _Apocalypse_."

Both Dean and Cas turned around just in time to watch Bobby walk back into the room. Dean burst out laughing and pulled Cas along as he followed the older man inside.

He only had a few minutes to feel content though, because suddenly Castiel dropped to his knees, cradling his head in obvious pain.  
"Cas?"  
"I can't… I shouldn't have… stayed. I was…I was meant…" The angel couldn't even speak properly.  
"Cas, what's happening? Come on, what's wrong?" Dean asked, while trying to figure out what he could possibly do to ease his pain.  
"I was meant… last night… I was meant…to do something…but I stayed… I stayed with you… instead... Zachariah… he's angry…I have to go… I'm sorry."

And just like that, he was gone, leaving three stunned hunters in his wake.

**a/n:** slightly shorter chapter but I will start posting more frequently so I figured that made up for it. This chapter finishes just before 4.20 The Rapture. Next chapter won't be all 'Dean and Cas and feelings', it will bring their story back together with the show's plot.

Anyway, thanks for reading :) hope you enjoyed. Any suggestions/reviews/feedback are appreciated.


	9. A short Notice

Hello everybody

This is me apologising for not updating for like 2 months.  
Long story short – my father died in a car accident on the 25th November 2011.  
Honestly, I've thought about deleting this story a few times because lately I don't sleep well or eat much and I haven't had the inspiration or motivation to do anything besides stay at home watching TV and go to work when I need to – I certainly don't have inspiration or motivation to write fanfic.

I know for a fact that it will be a while until I start feeling like myself again.

But, there's every chance that I might someday feel like watching Supernatural again (which I'm not doing now because that was something me and dad always did together – he's the sole reason I starting watching the show to begin with). And that being said, I might eventually finish this story.

So basically, until further notice – I'm on hiatus.

Thank you for understanding that writing fanfic is just about the last thing on my mind.

Happy New Year.


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